[Tuesday morning. Shane Victorino's hotel phone rings.]

Shane Victorino: Aloha.

Lenny Dysktra: Dude… Nails. [lights cigarette, then puts it out] Fuckin’… how’s it going, dude?

SV: Ohit’sallgoodbrah. Littlebummedoutbecauseofourrecentlossinthefamilyyouknowbutummm… likeIsaidIcan’tcomplainyouknow.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ Cramer just told me you broke my record for RBI’s in a single postseason. That’s fuckin’ nails, dude. [shoves half a tinful of Kodiak between left cheek and gums]

SV: OhnoquestionsaskedbrahIgottathankmyteammatesforhelpingmekickstartthatrallybutummm… yeahlikeisaidtheyreallyhelpedmekickstartitnoquestionsasked.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ that Jap who threw at your head the other night? I woulda fuckin’ charged that shit like Doolittle over Tokyo, fuckin’ dropping bombs left and right. [swallows tobacco; vomits] Fuck, dude… I’m OK.

SV: OhnoquestionsaskedIthoughtaboutityouknowbutummm… it’snotreallymystyleto pickafightyouknowI’mjusttheretoplaybaseballandlikeIsaidhelptheteamkickstartarallyyouknow.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ what’d I call you for? [lights cigarette while putting other half of Kodiak in mouth, suffers mild heart attack]

SV: OhIthinkyoucalledtocongratulatemebrahandummm… youknow.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ you want a stock pick or something?

SV: YeahsurebrahI’dlovetostartinvestingnoquestionsasked.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ time machines. [chews on nicotine patch]

SV: Ummm… didyousay”timemachines”brah?

LD: Dude… fuckin’ yeah, dude. Daulton says the world’s ending in 2012 and shit, so fuckin’ with a time machine you could like, fuckin’, I don’t know, run away from that shit. [spits out patch, vomits, reaches for nicotine gum, tries to light gum]

SV: WellthatmakessenseIguessbutmaybeIshouldthinkaboutthatbeforeIinvestyouknow.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ Schilling says he’d use his time machine to go back to Game 6 in ’93 and trip Fregosi when he’s coming out of the dugout to pull Larry Andersen.

SV: That’sawesomebrahbutIneedtorunbecauseIgottagopracticeandhelpkickstartthismomentumyouknow.

LD: Dude… fuckin’… [long pause to calm massive nicotine shakes]

SV: That’sawesomebrahbutummm… likeIsaidIgottago.

LD: Dude… fuckin’ OK. I’ll send you a prospectus and a free copy of my Player’s Club magazine. And fuckin’ I’ll put you down for 1,000 shares of time machines.

SV: Coolbrah.

LD: Dude…

SV: Brah?

LD: Fuckin’… don’t smoke, dude. Bad for you. [lights cell phone]

SV: …OhnoquestionsaskedandlikeIsaidummm… OKcoolthanksmahalo!