Dear Chamomiles,

What did you mean when you wrote, “If Adam Eaton sucked any worse, he’d be Brett Myers?”

–Confused in Pennsauken

Dear Confused,

I was merely stating that Adam Eaton is a better pitcher than Brett Myers. It was meant to be a compliment. Next time try not to take things so literally.

Dear Chamomiles,

What does VORP mean?

–Baseball Newbie

Dear Newbie,

VORP means little to anyone who’s already lost their virginity. Hope that helps!

Dear Chamomiles,

What makes you qualified to write ANYTHING about the Phillies? I mean, Meech I can see, but I’ve read your stuff over at Fortress of Pillows, and I’m not even convinced you watch sports!

–I’m Onto You In Bryn Mawr

Dear Onto Me,

I’ll have you know that I’ve seen upwards of ten hours of sports in just the last year alone! Of those ten hours, four involved baseball, and of those four, two involved the Phillies. That’s 20 percent of my total sports viewing time, which I believe makes me eminently qualified. Now if you’ll excuse, I’m in the middle of an engrossing macramé project.

Dear Chamomiles,

What’s with the stupid name?

–Everybody, Everywhere

Dear Everybody,

It’s an homage to one of my musical idols, Miles Davis. When I played piano for the Reverend Tony, also known as “Reverend T-Bagg,” we all decided to adopt tea-based pseudonyms. Mine is obviously a play on “chamomile tea” and “Miles Davis.”

Rather clever, don’t you think? No? Well, your mom does.

Dear Chamomiles,

Would you say that Charlie Manuel is a good coach? Also, have you seen his watch? He thought he left it on his dresser this morning but now he don’t know where that sumbitch is.

–Not Charlie Manuel, Not Wherever Charlie Manuel Was When I Wrote This Question

Dear Not Charlie,

Very subtle there, big guy. Certainly there are more capable coaches in the major leagues right now — Jim Leyland, Tony LaRussa, Dusty Baker, Joe Torre, Terry Francona (whoops, just vomited in my mouth)… Ron Gardenhire, Bobby Cox, Lou Piniella, Mike Scioscia –, but after them, you’re next on the list, dog!

Oh, and have you checked the nightstand? It might be there.

Dear Chamomiles,

Do you know how to get semen stains out of a large, foam rubber baseball head?

–Mr. “M,” Flushing Meadows, NY

Dear “M,”

I hear cat piss is an effective solvent. Hope that helps!

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