ATLANTA, GA – The Center for Disease Control, in cooperation with such cancer research organizations such as Sloan-Kettering Memorial and the Ludwig Institute, has announced their decision to divert immediately all funds and resources available into finding a cure for Mets relief pitcher Billy Wagner.

“This is an issue we’ve put on hold for too long,” said Dr. Linus Oberlin, director of research for the CDC. “Since 2003, possibly earlier, various strains of Billy Wagner have been infecting and destroying locker rooms from Houston to New York City. It’s only just now that the public has finally been able to see the devastation on a grand scale.”

Scientists attempt to isolate various strains of Wagner.

This season Wagner has been quoted in several widely-reported stories expressing his displeasure with certain teammates who, in his opinion, are not performing to the best of their abilities and/or refusing to be held accountable for it. In the past month alone, he has called out fellow Mets pitcher Oliver Perez, first baseman Carlos Delgado and centerfielder Carlos Beltran, among others.

Wagner has been similarly critical during his time with the Houston Astros and the Philadelphia Phillies, when he would speak to anyone who’d listen about his problems with teammates, the media, the fans, the owners and even people who didn’t buy alpaca sweaters.

In addition to handling the media fallout from his own recent statements, manager Willie Randolph has had to quell the tension bubbling from within the New York locker room caused by Wagner’s outspokenness. Some observers note that Randolph seems less energetic recently, and has even taken on what could be described as a “gaunt” appearance.

The CDC is “highly concerned” that Randolph could be suffering from Stage 1 Wagner carcinoma. If it metastasizes, it could spell total disaster for the Mets organization, as it did when it first manifested itself during New York’s infamous late-season collapse in 2007. Paul Lo Duca was one of the team’s first casualties, and was reportedly taking steroid injections in an attempt to halt Wagner’s progress.

The good news for major-league baseball teams is that Billy Wagner, if spotted early enough, can be removed easily, either through intense chemotherapy sessions or free agency. The patient’s rate of recovery is no less than remarkable in terms of speed, as evidenced by Houston’s pennant-clinching season in 2005 and Philadelphia’s 2007 division title, its first in fourteen years.

“As soon as we figure this out, we’re going right back to cancer, we promise,” Oberlin said. “My wife’s a big Mets fan and she’d never forgive me if I didn’t do everything I could to find a cure.”

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