Jennifer and Chase Utley are passionately devoted to the cause of animal welfare. We here at The Fightins’, who believe causes are for people with money and lots of free time, wondered just how deep the Utleys’ devotion really goes.

The following exchange was recorded two days ago, using a high-powered microphone with a range of 200 feet. The restraining order stated 150 feet, so Clare had no problem capturing the sound.

[Chase pulls up to the driveway, enters Utley Manor]

Chase: Jen! Sweetie! I’m home!

Jen: Hi, honey! I’m in the kitchen giving Mr. Snuggles a bath. How’d it go tonight?

Chase: Eh, not so great. We fell apart in the late innings, and I got plunked again. I’m gonna go get an ice pack and — AHH! What the fuck was that?

Jen: What was what, honey?

C: It looks like a little ferret just ran across the floor! Jesus!

J: That’s the marmot we got today.

C: A marmot? You mean like what those Germans put in Jeff Bridges’ bathtub in The Big Lebowski?

J: I don’t know, baby, I’ve never seen that movie.

C: You’ve never seen The Big Lebowski? That movie’s a fucking CLASSIC! I’ve seen it like 150 times.

[picks up marmot, holds it up to his face]

C [affecting a German accent]: “Where’s ze money, Lebowski? Where’s ze –” OW!!

[drops marmot, who scurries under sofa]

C: Little fucker BIT me!

J: Well, you probably scared him with that German accent.

C: Come on, Jen — nobody who sounds German could be frightening. God, I need some Bactine…

[en route to bathroom he slips, lands hard on coffee table]

J: Are you OK in there?

C: God DAMN it! Who took a shit in the middle of our living room?

J: I don’t know. Is it a big poopy or a little poopy?

C: No, this isn’t “poopy,” Jen. “Poopy” is what comes out of babies and small birds. This is shit. A big, smoldering, hairy lump of shit.

J: It might have been one of the alpacas. I don’t think they’re housetrained.

C: Well, that makes sense because — wait, did you say “alpacas?”

J: Uh-huh.

C: When the hell did we get alpacas?

J: When we agreed to watch them for Billy.

C: Wagner? We’re babysitting Wagner’s god-damned alpacas? Why isn’t he watching them?

J: You know why. He’s on the DL. That means he can’t move his arm to feed them or massage their prostates. We said we’d do it while he recovered, remember?

C: Whoa-ho-ho, what’s this “we” shit, white lady? I’m not sticking my finger in some sweater-bearing camel’s asshole. Uh-uh. You tell Wagner to get his whiny bitch-ass over here and pick ‘em up.

J: No! We promised him we’d take care of them, and that’s what we’re going to do. Why are you so anxious to get rid of them, anyway?

C: Because Rollins told those stunods over at MTV that I’d do a “Cribs” segment for them, and they’re coming by this weekend to do some preliminary filming. Maybe we could relocate the dogs and the marmot and the alpacas to one of our guest rooms for a couple of hours. What do you say?

J: Forget it! We’re not cramming all of these animals into one little room so you can entertain a bunch of strangers from MTV.

C: Come on, I’ll open the windows! They’ll have plenty of air! I’d even put a bucket of water in there, just in case they get thirsty.

J: Are you committing to helping these poor creatures or not?

C: I am, I am! I just didn’t think I’d be coming home to Noah’s… friggin’ Ark every night.

J: Honestly, Chase, sometimes I wish you’d find another cause if you’re not serious about animal welfare.

C: Maybe you’re right. [mutters under breath] …Taxidermy’s looking pretty good right now.

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