With time off for the All-Star break, Phillies manager “Uncle” Charlie Manuel has decided to join us today to answer letters written by you, the reader(s)…

OK people, I’ve licked my quill and spread my parchment. Some of these letters have been sittin’ around for a while, so let’s get cracking! First question…

Dear Uncle Charlie,

Help, my manager has threatened to stab me with a knife! What should I do?

Signed, Jose in Flushing

Dear Jose,

God damn, son, ain’t you seen The Untouchables? If he threatens you with a knife, you threaten him with a gun. He threatens to send you to the hospital, you threaten to send him to the morgue. THAT’s the Uncle Charlie way.

Next question…

Dear Uncle Charlie,

I’m a great player on a bad team. I’m having one of the best years of my long career and yet it’s all for a losing cause. Have you ever felt trapped in a place where you knew you had to get out but at the same time you never felt so good?

Not-So-Chipper In Hotlanta

Dear Not-So-Chipper,

Hell, yes — it was Hot Tub #7 at the Super Happy Pleasure Bath Palace in Osaka, Japan. My advice is to ride it out, make the most of a sticky situation and hope the manager has a crowbar and baby oil handy.

Next question…

Dear Uncle Charlie,

I’m in a relationship with a beautiful, charming woman. Recently however, I’ve been seeing more and more of my ex-girlfriend around town. We met up for drinks two nights ago, one thing led to another… to make a long story short, I woke up the next morning in her bed!

It’s clear to me that I still have a strong (physical) attraction to my ex, but I love my girlfriend and feel guilty about cheating on her. Can you help me?

Guilt-Ridden in Glendale

Dear Guilt-Ridden,

It’s like I say all the time, “Pat, keep your dick in your pants and 90% of all your problems will disappear.” Your name’s not Pat, is it?

Never mind. Next question…

Dear Uncle Charlie,

We both work at an AM sports-talk station whose initials rhyme with Schmubbledoo-Pie-Tee. Despite the fact that we openly despise one another, we both agree that you are, without question, one of the dumbest managers — nay, human beings — to ever walk the planet since the beginning of recorded history.

Could we be looking at an opportunity for the two of us to reach some sort of reconciliation? If so, what do you think the next step should be?

A.C. & H.E. In Liberty Town

Dear A & H,

Gosh, I’m so happy your mutual disdain for my intelligence has led you both to the brink of making peace with one another. So you want to know what I think you should do next? Gifts are always a nice way of burying the hatchet. I have a couple of suggestions…

A: For H, season tickets to Notre Dame football, or perhaps a copy of this book.

H: Send A some flowers.

Hope that helps!

To Honorable “Aka-Oni”:

Please to remit the balance of your bill for six month special “Round the World” package at Super Happy Pleasure Bath Palace, which is delinquent since year 1978. We hope our letter will find Charlie-san still in extended orgasmic afterglow.

Management, Super Happy Pleasure Bath Palace (via Babelfish translator)

Osaka, Japan

Oh, turdbundles! Just look how the time flies! Let’s do this again real soon, you hear? (Chamomiles, how the hell do I turn this sumbitch off?)

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