The Fightins'
A Few Calming Words From Dr. Allswell
Posted by at 12:45 pm ET 58 Comments

[Dr. Alison Allswell is an adjunct professor of Clinical Psychology at Strayer University. She specializes in anxiety resolution and stress relief.]

Greetings, fellow participants in this grand human experiment! The good and stable minds who run this web site have asked me to offer a few words of comfort and encouragement for those of you worried about your baseball club’s current situation.

If you are among those troubled by recent developments, I say only this: Remain calm. Your stressful response to any setbacks of this nature will only hasten physical ailment and emotional trauma.

Yes, pitcher Cole Hamels may have surrendered 6 runs last night against Houston, but let us focus on things that matter most to us: family, good friends, an appreciation of the world around us.

(I mean, come on — how the fuck do you go five innings and… no, no, this too must pass. Deep breaths, Alison. Deep breaths. Remember your mantra.)

Too often in our modern society we tend to invest a disproportionate amount of emotional energy in what are merely diversions along the path of a meaningful existence.

(And where for Christ’s sake were the fucking BATS last night? Jesus! OK, OK… maintain your balance. The cosmos is a large and powerful place, and renders insignificant the fact that THEY WENT OH-FOR-FUCKING-TWO-THOUSAND-AND-SIXTY-FIVE WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION! Alright now. Be cool, baby.)

There are six games left to play, and the Phillies need only win three of them to reclaim the division title. Is that so daunting a task? Think about it, my friends.

(Meanwhile, what’s that crawling up our collective ass? Oh, yeah, IT’S THE ATLANTA FUCKING BRAVES. Goddammit. I need a joint.)

That which is beyond our control should not occupy our concerns. Fate will unfold as it must. Therefore, let us focus our minds on fulfilling those objectives which are within our respective ability to control.

(You hear that, you slumping sons of bitches? Fucking FOCUS!)

May your days be filled with peace and tranquility.


58 Responses to “A Few Calming Words From Dr. Allswell”

  1. Heathcliff Slocumb says:

    My anxiety just quadrupled.

  2. Gabrielle says:

    ditto, heathcliff.

    btw, are your heights wuthering? just curious.

  3. Walklett says:

    Does Dr. Allswell have a glass eye…with a fish in it?

  4. TC says:

    this team is streaky. they are ready to explode out of this slump.

  5. WildThng88 says:

    ugh another Chall Dave post. I saw the name and just totally blew off the article.

  6. (Dr. Allswell lights doobie, passes it to Heathcliff.)

  7. Dave says:

    I’ve never considered downing an entire bottle of Jack Daniels before, but if they lose tonight, I’m going to do it.

  8. Fightins Newbie says:

    Can someone give some Sarge ism’s to calm us as well?

  9. Pasadena_Phan says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “I don’t want to catch anybody not drinking!”

  10. Meg says:

    I am losing my mind. My workload for school right now is out of control, and if the Fightins can’t handle the pressure then what the f*ck am I supposed to do. This last week has been like watching a car accident happen in slow motion with all your loved ones trapped inside. Someone is probably going to get hurt and I am going to wind up devastated unless the Phillies regain control.

  11. Jut says:

    wildthing. why comment if you didn’t read it? keep up the good work chamo

  12. Heathcliff Slocumb says:

    ::puffs, puffs & passes to Gabrielle::

    Ahh… that’s better….I suggest all take part.

    And why yes, my heights are in fact quite wuthering. Thanks for noticing.

  13. WB-Tony says:

    I’m assuming most of you here are Eagles fans, so at least you have that. Minus the Hokies, all of my teams make me want to drive into oncoming traffic.

  14. Old Appalacian Jesse says:

    Yuk yuk…so, I see y’all on tha hot seat, yessir.

    Y’all’s warried ’bout them Met-ro-politans whens yas should be warryin’ ’bout thems Braves.

    Yuk. Yuk.

  15. James Fayleez says:

    Did anyone read Wheels’ book of lies yet?

  16. Griswold says:

    I have to agree with Dave about downing a whole bottle of liquor, although I prefer a delicious bourbon such as Maker’s Mark instead of Jack.

  17. jimmy james says:

    99.4%. 99.4%.

    That’s what the mathematical genius people say the odds are of the Phils making the playoffs. So let’s not go crazy quite yet.

  18. BigMiles says:

    jimmy james I wonder what the odds makers had for Lidge blowing 11 saves and going 0-8 with a 7+ ERA….it had to be similar.

  19. Lynniemac says:

    I am reading “99.4%, 99.4%” in the same tone of voice in my head as I did with Willie Randolph’s “the champagne will taste sweeter” comments from 2007.

  20. WildThng88 says:

    Griswold you motherfucker. I clicked on that link and thought I could find a cell phone. DAMIT

  21. Fuck it, Dude. Let’s go bowling.

  22. BigMiles says:

    @Lynnie….or maybe LoDuca’s “we’ll see who’s dancing around the field at the end of the year” comments?

    God I hate the Mets.

  23. Lynniemac says:

    @BigMiles: How in the world did I forget about LoDuca? That just gave me a warm, happy feeling. Now back to 99.4%…99.4%…

    I looked up Houston starter Wilton Lopez’s stats out of curiosity. His season stats are also his career stats, and in 10.2 innings, he has given up twelve runs (ten earned) on 20 hits (three of them homers), with four walks and six strikeouts. Any way the Phillies can manage NOT to make him look like Cy Young tonight?

  24. Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-dro's soul glo hates Bradley mothafuckin Lights On Lidge says:

    ” Back goes Ibanez, looks up and that ball is gone. Miguel Tay-hada hits a grand slam against Ryan Madson in the 9th.”

    I have no deep and angered emotions thanks to Dr. Allswell

  25. bigmyc says:

    You forgot about LoDousha because he is a very forgettable character.

  26. Dave says:

    @Lynnie: Maybe if they actually make this guy throw some pitches tonight, he won’t look like Cy Young. Patience at the plate goes a long way sometimes.

  27. Lynniemac says:

    @Dave: Patience at the plate? What’s that?

    @bigmyc: To me, he’s not that forgettable. He was responsible for one of the All-Time Greatest Baseball Moments Witnessed in Person by Me – the 35-footer that refused to go foul in late August 2007, that allowed Victorino to score the tying run, that set up the Ryan Howard 2-run bomb that hasn’t landed yet in the bottom of the 10th. All while I sat in section populated entirely by Mets fans, excluding my best friend and me.

  28. Dave says:

    @Lynnie: I know, I’m just throwing it out there. Sometimes, not swinging at the first pitch is fun.

    Oh, and I’ve changed my vow for tonight’s game. If they make this guy look like Cy Young, I’m driving into Trenton for some stuff that’s going to knock me out until Sunday. I think that would be best.

  29. Gonzo says:

    Dave, pick me up an 8-ball while you’re there.

  30. Lynniemac says:

    You’re a radical, Dave. For your patience at the plate theory, I mean.

  31. Dave says:

    Gonzo, you got it. Let’s just see what happens tonight.

    Lynnie, you’ve got to fight the power. I’ve always been one to believe that you should make a pitcher throw 20 pitches an inning. I remember being at a game a few years ago, and the guy sitting next to me complained that Bobby Abreu was going to take the first pitch. He did, and two pitches later, he knocked a double into right field. I fail to see what the problem was with taking the first pitch.

  32. bigmyc says:

    When a hitter takes the first pitch as a habit and a rule but hits be it.

    When that same hitter is in a head scratching funk of a slump..not so good.

  33. Lynniemac says:

    Dave, in general, I’m a fan of making the pitcher work as much as possible, as well.

  34. will.H says:

    lynnie, i like using that to my advantage. be sure the pitchers know you’re the kind of guy that takes pitches.. then you can come up in the right spot and take a calculated risk by swinging at first pitch fastball. first pitch is often the best pitch you’ll see. im all about being aggressive with men on base. still it frustrates me when guys like rollins gets carried away especially when hes ahead in the count (2-0 popout).

  35. Lynniemac says:

    will, that frustrates me, too. I’m also not a fan of someone swinging at the first pitch after the last batter has been walked on 4 pitches; as well as, when Jimmy swings at the first pitch (and inevitably pops out) after the pitcher has just batted, particularly on those night when it’s 99 degrees outside.

    In other news, according to CSN Philly (and probably elsewhere), Charlie closed the clubhouse for a team meeting today. Love the following quotes:

    “The mountain didn’t come to Muhammad, did it?” Manuel said, noting that he did all of the talking in the meeting.

    “I used to say that in the minor leagues, when I’d tell somebody on the team, ‘Go to the mountain, son,’ that means hit a home run or do something real good,” he said. “That means you do something special. The mountain don’t come to you. You got to go to the mountain. If you hit a home run, that’s going to the mountain. In order to hit a home run, you’ve got to do it. You’ve got to go get it.”

    “Go to the mountain, son” with Charlie’s face would be a good t-shirt.

  36. Ozzie Virgil's Beard says:

    And I would purchase said shirt…..

  37. Dave says:

    I agree with what’s been said. There are times to swing at the first pitch, and times to sit there and keep the bat on your shoulder. Jimmy is notorious for wasting 2-0 or 3-1 chances by hacking at a crap pitch and popping it up. I keep getting Willie Mays Hayes flashbacks every time he does that.

    Yes, if pitchers think you’re a guy that takes the first pitch, you can use that, too. I always enjoy watching pitchers float a fastball right over the plate, only for it to end up in the stands. It works both ways, but I still think patience at the plate is the way to go.

    Oh, and I would totally buy a “Go to the mountain, son” shirt. I love it.

  38. Lynniemac says:

    Oh good, someone else thinks Willie Mays Hayes when watching Jimmy. I always hear Lou Brown in my head: “With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Everytime I see you hit one in the air, you owe me 20 push-ups.”

  39. Ozzie Virgil's Beard says:

    Here’s what I tell the high school kids I coach……when you’re in a hitter’s count, it better be a pitch you can drive. Every hitter has a sweet spot and inevitably should know where it is. My sweet spot as a lefty is cock high and middle in and that’s the ONLY spot I’m looking for in a hitter’s count. If it isn’t there, you can better damn well believe I’m not swinging. If you swing 2-0 or 3-1 and top over a dribbler to the infield or pop up, you’ve been cheated. And to me, it seems certain hitters in the Phils lineup haven’t put quality swings together and do get cheated.

    Am I the only one who wishes Ricky Botallico would shut the fuck up? He’s ranting on SportsNight and I hate him as much as a commentator as I hated him as a closer for the Phillies. What an pretentious a-hole.

  40. Lynniemac says:

    Haven’t watched Ricky much this year, but I LOVED him on the IronPigs broadcasts last year. He seemed to be operating under the assumption that no one was watching and he could pretty much say whatever he wanted as irreverently as he wanted (he was more or less right). I’d imagine he doesn’t have as much liberty with his topics and delivery on Comcast as he did on dinky little Service Electric Cable TV.

  41. BigMiles says:

    My neighbor officially thinks I have some serious serious anger problems, or possibly tourettes. He gave me an angry look this morning (which is warranted after I yelled all kinds of obscenities during last night’s game). He’s a ‘skins fan though I’m sure he will return the favor at some point this year.

  42. will.H says:

    “My sweet spot as a lefty is cock”


    anyway, i tell my guys the same thing ozzie. you think by that age or college they’d just know that if youre 1 pitch away from a free pass to first base.. it’d better be a pitch you can get behind. pick out your favorite pitch and rip. even now jimmy seems like he has his mind made up before the pitcher throws that inevitablle 2-0 popup. such a basic idea.. as a pro youd think he should be able to make up his mind if its a meatball as the pitch is coming

  43. Ozzie Virgil's Beard says:

    Well that’s not how I finished the sentence but I suppose I can see where the humor lies.

  44. will.H says:

    michael moore’d

  45. Ozzie Virgil's Beard says:

    “Well he’s throwing a lot of strikes early, and they’re swinging at a lot of non-strikes.”

    – Chris Wheeler in the bottom of the 2nd

  46. Dave says:

    Lynnie, I doubt you and I are the only ones that relate Jimmy to Willie Mays Hayes. I’ve seen him like that for years, and every time he pops it up, I’d love to see him do pushups.

    Tonight is making me angry…I’ve got an order for an eightball and whatever I want…anyone else want anything in Trenton?

  47. Ozzie Virgil's Beard says:

    Pete F’n Happy

  48. MaxL says:

    Peter Fucking Happy

  49. Lynniemac says:

    Right as Pete Happy came to the plate, I yelled “GO TO THE MOUNTAIN, SON!” at the tv, and we all know what happened next.

    This MUST be a t-shirt, STAT.

  50. Gonzo says:

    WHat’s that quote from, L-Mac?

  51. Lynniemac says:

    I found it earlier today on in a write-up about the closed-door meeting Charlie had this afternoon, and it would make an awesome shirt.

    “The mountain didn’t come to Muhammad, did it?” Manuel said, noting that he did all of the talking in the meeting.

    “I used to say that in the minor leagues, when I’d tell somebody on the team, ‘Go to the mountain, son,’ that means hit a home run or do something real good,” he said. “That means you do something special. The mountain don’t come to you. You got to go to the mountain. If you hit a home run, that’s going to the mountain. In order to hit a home run, you’ve got to do it. You’ve got to go get it.”

  52. Gonzo says:

    That’s brilliant. What a great quote. Charlie was asked after the game if the closed door meeting helped. He gave a lame answer. (Don’t remember what it was, so it’s gotta be lame).

  53. Lynniemac says:

    It IS a great quote. In fact, it’s such a great quote that I’m a little worried that I might start just randomly yelling “go to the mountain, son!” and so few people around me will understand why.

  54. Gonzo says:

    I’m gonna yell it out tomorrow nite at the bar. Thanks, girlfriend.

    Yanno, every post has an idea for a t-shirt. But THIS one is actually warranted. Well done, ma’am.

  55. Lynniemac says:

    Every once in a while, if someone t’s it up for me, I’ll hit it out of the park. I love this like I loved last year’s “why can’t us”.

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