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Jul
17
2009
Posted by at 3:55 am ET 4 Comments

Jog Your Memory

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Jul
10
2009
Posted by at 10:45 pm ET 10 Comments

Click .gif Above for Full Catharsis

Click .gif Above for Full Catharsis

I’m not shedding any tears, mind you. As a player, I kind of felt he was a drag. Nothing personal, you see. In fact, his was one of the happier stories in baseball’s long history of heartbreak and skulduggery.

Yeah, that’s right, I said it: a happy story.

If you leave out the end of that one chapter where he loses his backup backstop job to Paul Bako.

It sucks that he has to leave a championship-caliber team for an Ed Wade-run clusterfuck, and yes, it sucks that Coste has to uproot his family and move to Texas (fucking Texas). But has anyone in the Phillies front office considered Shane’s feelings? They’re breaking up a bromance for the ages, for chrissakes:

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Jul
10
2009
Posted by at 12:15 pm ET 37 Comments

I don’t normally approve of flagrant showboating because it strikes me as a display of poor sportsmanship.

But that’s mostly because it usually isn’t done with such style. Sarge took dude’s heart right here. This is just vulgar in all the right ways.

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Jul
06
2009
Posted by at 1:51 pm ET 11 Comments

Here’s a nice addition for the Sarge Matthews .gif completist:

I’ll gladly accept any remix suggestions.

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Jul
03
2009
Posted by at 6:34 am ET 10 Comments

To put it simply, it’s a lack of concentration.

While he’s slogging away in the NL East, swinging at baseballs, catching baseballs, throwing baseballs, other people are out there actually enjoying their summers. Oh sure, he has a good time yukking it up on the bench with Charlie, talking about anything but his most recent pop-out, but there is obviously something else he’d rather be doing – so many of his talents are going to waste as he toils endlessly at this hobby that he has somehow managed to turn into a career.

I’ve figured out, of course, what he’d rather be doing:

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Jul
01
2009
Posted by at 11:34 pm ET 21 Comments

By now everyone has heard about the altercation between Phillies reliever J.C. Romero and Rays “fan” Robert Eaton after a game in Tampa Bay last Thursday. Eaton made some snide comments about steroids and got what any loudmouth drunk prick has coming to him.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. I’m just saying that some people don’t know when to shut up, and others are quick to grab people that don’t know how to shut up by their throats and choke a bitch. Sometimes these two kinds of people meet…

Enough with the opinions. As a superjournalist with superjournalistic powers such as superjournalistic integrity I must try only to report the facts. And it just so happens that I have nothing but facts to present today. Through my contacts and network of other superjournalists, I managed to procure a leaked copy of Robert Eaton’s 911 call to the St. Petersburg PD.

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Jun
26
2009
Posted by at 4:37 pm ET 6 Comments

It’s the last Friday in June and the Phils are trying their hardest to squander their lead on the NL East. They have an offense that’s supposed to be potent enough to cover for any flaws in their defense or pitching staff. It sucks when these fools stumble on every other facet of play, but it’s that much more frustrating to watch when they can’t even put men on base.

They used to be able to survive when an opposing starter was dealing, and then pounce on the bullpen in the final innings. All of that moxie, along with anything resembling skill, vanished like a fart in the wind during the last homestand, and they have yet to reclaim any of the previous dominance.

So before they begin the “Scenario in Ontario” tonight, I figured now is the time for a magical, slump-breaking rally .gif (Enhanced ATJ):

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Jun
25
2009
Posted by at 12:41 am ET 46 Comments

It used to be, if you said ‘cock’ on television, you only had to worry about the FCC and heavy fines.

Now you have to worry about that and young men with computers and spare time.

Cheers, Muffin.

Rock Around The COCK (Remix)

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