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Posted by at 11:35 am ET 15 Comments

Excuse me while I breathe on my fingernails, then rub them on my shirt. Is there even a name for that move? Let’s move on.

First of all, to all the haters who said I was crazy for thinking Cody Ransom could be as good a hitter as Ted Williams: He’s batting .400, suckers! Read it and weep!

I started drinking at 11 AM O’Clock in the morning and didn’t stop until my head hit the Steelers pillow on my friend’s couch early this morning. I dreamt that I was hanging out with Jimmy Rollins in West Virginia when Uzbekistan started carpet-bombing the shit out of us. Then I woke up and drank some coffee and now here I am.

P.S. The Phillies kicked the shit out of the Pirates last night. It was pretty sweet, BUT! BUT! BUT! that’s what they’re ‘POSED to do. So I enjoyed it at the time, but let’s just say I’m not convinced, okay? Like the usher said to me last night, “You are fickle people.” And like I responded, “That’s right.” Mostly because if you’re old enough to have an AARP card, I shouldn’t have to explain that a 2-run lead in the first inning of a ballgame, while promising, is no real reason to be exuberant.

Kyle Rodney Kendrick (W, 5-3) is like a 1995 Ford Taurus: he won’t always get you where you need to go, but it’s always a pleasant surprise when he does, and you can’t afford something that’s not a piece of shit anyway.

Cody Ransom is better than Greg Dobbs.

The Rest of the Guys hit everything several times.

Paul Maholm (L, 5-7) took a page from the book of Homer Simpson: don’t just be a failure, be a spectacular failure. That’s paraphrased, by the way.

Andrew McCutchen is still my favorite current Pirate.

Posted by at 1:18 am ET 77 Comments

It was a perfect night for a ballgame, but the Phillies decided to waste another strong outing in a should-win situation, falling to five games behind the Atlanta Braves, who continue to play like we wish our team would. Now I’m sitting here, trying to keep two things: my eyes open and a promise to Dash that I would write the recaps for tonight and tomorrow night.

What the fuck can I say? Pierogies ran around a warning track and Greg Dobbs underperformed and Jayson Werth continued to dog it, I mean, continued to play his whole career for this year. You know something, Puffy? Fuck your career. You went 0-4 with 3 strikeouts, and I’m grouchy right now, because my team lost and you did jack shit and I’m sure the commenters will continue to simultaneously lambast me for calling you out while metaphorically sucking your proverbial dick. You’re on notice. Fuck you and Reggie and your fucking contract. I’m laying off the bench guys like Dobbs for the moment because who gives a fuck about the bench guys right now? We’re sliding further south in the standings and the only guy showing up to play is Wilson motherfucking Valdez, day after day. Guess what? He’s not an everyday player and that’s going to show pretty soon and you know who’s going to need to perform? YOU, Jayson Werth, that’s who. If you can’t hit fucking Ross fucking Ohlendorf then what the fuck do we need you for?

0-5 RISP. Not only is that an 0fer, but why did the Phillies only have RISP 5 times? Fuck’s sake. You guys realize people pay money for this shit? And stop wasting quality pitching. Oughta be ashamed of yourselves.

Everyone except Wilson Valdez went 3 for 27 with 8 K’s. Fuck you guys.

Jamie Moyer (L, 9-7) gave up 2 runs, 1 earned, his bad but still.

Ross Ohlendorf (W, 1-6) hit Jimmy Rollins in the head and should suffer the consequences.

Lastings Milledge has a name like a butler and made a pretty awesome catch that saved the shutout and probably the game.

Saxophone Guy on Roberto Clemente Bridge doesn’t understand that he should shut the fuck up and play his shitty saxophone and not tell the 60% Phillies fan crowd (after a loss) to “go back to Philly” if he wants to make enough money for his next bottle of Wild Irish Rose.

Nice place, PNC Park is great even though the concourse is difficult to move through, and Pittsburgh is an awesome town and if you don’t think so, you probably don’t use the word “Party” as a verb and any argument you have is automatically invalid. See you fuckers tomorrow; I’m going to bed.

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What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork… Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don’t field… what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I’m goin’ out there for myself. But… I get nowhere unless the team wins.

Job well done, Chooch. You deserve it.

Thanks to @Estebomb for the inspiration.

As I finish this post, the Phillies just took another massive stanley steamer down in Miami.

Posted by at 1:22 pm ET 197 Comments

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Posted by at 1:02 am ET 136 Comments

I was at the game so I don’t know if they put these fools on the television. But listen, the next time you get an idea while drinking Goldschlager, you might want to sober up and give it a second thought before carrying out an already half-baked idea in the most half-assed manner possible. I get the whole “smurf-Werth” slant-rhyme thing, but just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. And c’mon guys, wear the right Smurfin’ hats, for Smurf’s sake. Being a smurf is more than skin color – it’s a way of smurfing life. One of these smurfing smurf-heads was wearing a smurfing jester hat. It’s just lazy. These guys rank near the bottom with “Dobbs’ Slobs” from 2008. I might change my opinion if they convince Luzinski to dress up like Gargamel next time.


I’d be more impressed if he played third base and right field.

Posted by at 11:59 am ET 41 Comments

When beat writer Matt Gelb posted this article about Halladay’s new 2010-model changeup, I was as shocked as anyone to learn that he picked it up from none other than Phillies all-time great Kyle Kendrick?

No really.

Quietly one day, Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee introduced Halladay to a split-finger grip for his change-up… Halladay has tried various change-up grips in his career without finding one that worked consistently. Dubee suggested the split-finger grip because of the success Kyle Kendrick had with it. Needing to develop secondary pitches to go along with his trademark sinker, Kendrick had tried a circle change-up – a two-seam grip where the index finger is rolled into a circle until it touches the thumb – but never felt comfortable with it. Halladay had also tried a circle change before… A conversation with Halladay early in spring training gave Dubee the idea of passing Kendrick’s idea along. “When I was talking to Roy, he said, ‘I’ve never had a change-up that I’ve felt comfortable with,’ ” Dubee said. “So I said, this is what we’re doing with Kyle, being a sinker-ball guy, take the two-seam grip and spread your fingers.”

So, yeah. After that “me and my shadow” routine Kendrick pulled this spring, turns out it was just another case of tit for tat.

What’s that? What the frig does Fasano have to do with any of this? Oh, that. I almost forgot.

…So it’s Sunday morning and thanks to the wonders of Zithromax™ I can’t get drunk like I usually like to do, so I did the next best thing: research. I was curious about Halladay’s other influences, like maybe who his favorite pitchers were growing up, that sort of thing. I wasn’t prepared for what I discovered in this piece from SLAM! Sports dated Thursday, June 28, 2007 about Blue Jays pitcher Shaun Marcum:

“Last year the experience I had of being in the rotation, I had my ups and downs,” Marcum said. “Then early this year out of the bullpen I had some success and some struggles. One day in Cleveland (May 1-3) working with Sal (Fasano), I think Sal turned the switch on.”

This would be the same Sal Fasano who is back in Syracuse. The Sal Fasano who brought Roy Halladay’s cutter back to life after he suggested a grip change. [emphasis mine]

I’ll be looking forward to seeing Doc’s curve improve after he finally finds the nerve to talk to Wilson Valdez.

Words of encouragement (via Twitter) from the Philadelphia Football Eagles’ recent draft pick:

And good luck to you, D’Shawn Johnson, Kenny Cobb and the rest of the team.

Posted by at 4:27 pm ET 10 Comments

The purpose of this exclusive The Fightins dot com feature is to foster a rivalry between the Phillies beat writers by keeping a running tally of who scoops who on Twitter and turn it into a year-long dick joke. You can play along by reading their tweets in this convenient list.

The scores as of March 15, 2010:

Matt Gelb (@magelb) 37 points
Ryan Lawrence (@ryanlawrence21) 29 points
Todd Zolecki (@ToddZolecki) 26 points
Scott Lauber (@ScottLauber) 21 points
David Murphy (@HighCheese) 13 points
Jim Salisbury (@JSalisburyCSN) 13 points
John Finger (@jrfinger) 10.5 points
Andy Martino (@phillieszone) 7 points

Ryan Lawrence took the most points home this week, but the scores were definitely less lopsided than the previous two weeks, with all but one scoring at least a few. Scott Lauber made a nice push in his final week as a beat writer for the Phillies, breaking 20 points before pulling up stakes and heading to the Boston Herald.

And I’ve decided to give John Finger the very first “This Week’s Awesomest Tweet” award, good for +5 and a free small fries at the Roy Rogers by Exit 17 on the Garden State Parkway:

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R.I.P Harry Kalas