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May
16
2011
Posted by Ryan at 5:15 pm ET 164 Comments

7:05 PM on CSN and ESPN

Pitching Matchup:

Cliff Lee (2-3, 3.78 ERA)

PHILLIES: The Phillies B-Team will be taking the field behind Cliff tonight (Orr, Valdez, Mayberry, and Francisco are all starting) which almost assures that the team will score anywhere between 20 and 30 runs. The only question is does Cliff Lee have what it takes to win ballgames? Make sure do send all of your responses to that question to Danger Guerrero.

Jake Westbrook (2-3, 6.92 ERA)

CARDINALS: Tony LaRussa is back on the bench for the Cards tonight for the first time in a week. He had shingles. Have you seen the pictures? He looked fucking horrifying. That looks like zombie makeup that Stan Winston would have done for a John Carpenter movie or something.

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May
13
2011
Posted by Ryan at 9:02 pm ET 19 Comments

Look, I’m going to be honest. I’m a pretty drunk for this game tonight, and I’m on some new medications. So when I heard T-Mac and Sarge talking about Morgan Freeman’s face on a cookie I assumed I was hallucinating because, well, why would that exist? That doesn’t make sense. Why would the principal from Lean on Me and the detective from Se7en be on a cookie? I shook it off and continued to drink until the one and only @waverider15 posted this picture. Seeing is believing. So click through if you want to see a bigger version of a fucking Morgan Freeman cookie.

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May
13
2011
Posted by Ryan at 4:39 pm ET 229 Comments

7:35 PM on PHL17

PITCHING MATCHUP:

Cole Hamels

( 4-2, 2.83 ERA)

PHILLIES: Cole has faced the Braves twice this season coming into this matchup. He’s split the two games, drawing the loss last week when the Braves were in Philly, but earning the W in Atlanta on April 10th when he pitched seven shutout innings. Whenever you see him with a beard or goatee, that’s actually Joel Hamels, Cole’s evil twin.

Brandon Beachy

(1-1, 2.98 ERA)

BRAVES: Remember that show on FX called “Son of the Beach”? It was awful, but because it was produced by Howard Stern, there was tons of T&A so it was actually kind of awesome. Brandon Beachy is kind of like that show, minus the awesome parts. Basically, I’m saying that Brandon Beachy sucks.

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May
09
2011
Posted by Ryan at 5:55 pm ET 250 Comments

7:10 PM on CSN

Pitching Matchup:

Joe Blanton (0-1, 5.92 ERA)

PHILLIES: Joe Blanton makes his first start for the Phillies in two weeks after leaving the DL. He’s still looking for his first win of the season. When Joe Blanton sits around the house, he really sit aroooound the house. (FAT JOKE)

Javier Vazquez

Javier Jazquez (2-2, 6.39 ERA)

MARLINS: This is my second game-thread for a Javy Vazquez start, so I get to break out this picture again. The two starters of this game have a combined 12.31 ERA so tonight looks to be a real fireworks show. Hopefully the Phils packed their bats for this series.

Props to @dmitsy for yet another awesome logo parody.

      
May
06
2011
Posted by Ryan at 5:24 pm ET 219 Comments

7:05 PM on TCN and MLB Network


Pitching Matchup:

Derek Lowe (2-3, 3.72 ERA, 0.12 BAC)

BRAVES: “Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit.. I need a breath mint. Where’s… (shuffles through pockets, glove box)… Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, I am in so much fucking trouble. Oh, uh… Hi there, offisher. What, uh… what seems to be the trouble?”

Officer Clifton P. Lee (2-2, 3.66 ERA)

PHILLIES: “Sir, I observed you driving recklessly, swerving, and racing another car down a busy city street. I also detect a strong odor of alcohol on your breath. I’m going to need you to step out of the car, sir. Now.”


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May
04
2011
Posted by Ryan at 9:01 pm ET 97 Comments

If you know this guy and his buddies, please tell him to stop. Just… just stop. It’s wrong on so many levels. First off, “Worley’s Warriors” is a stupid name. It was clearly thought up in ten seconds and they went “Fuck it, that’ll do.” Secondly, this guy looks like he belongs on a pizza-box, not a battlefield. Seriously. Stop. Thanks.

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May
04
2011
Posted by Ryan at 4:50 pm ET 242 Comments

7:05 PM on CSN

PITCHING MATCHUP:

Vance Worley (1-0, 0.00 ERA)

PHILLIES: Vance “RecSpecs” Worley pitched six shutout innings last Friday against the Mets in his 2011 debut with the big club. Worley looks to continue the hot start to his major league career (his ERA was just 1.38 in 13 innings last year in his first stint in the majors) against the anemic Nationals offense.

Jason Marquis (3-0, 2.62 ERA)

NATIONALS: Marquis pitched a complete game shutout in his last start against the Giants. He’s been the Nats best starter so far in 2011, so with Roy on the hill tomorrow, this game likely represents the Nats’ best chance for victory this series. However, you may recall there is some bad-blood between Marquis and the Phillies…

Big ups to @dmitsy for my new favorite Anti-Nats pic.

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May
03
2011
Posted by Ryan at 4:33 pm ET 230 Comments

7:05 PM on CSN & MLB Network

PITCHING MATCHUP:

Cole Hamels (3-1, 3.13 ERA)

Phillies: Cole takes over Roy O’s spot in the rotation as Roy has yet to rejoin the team after leaving the team to deal with damage to his family’s home which was damaged in the tornadoes in the Midwest last week. Fun Fact: I’m pretty sure that every time Chris has asked me to do a game-thread, it’s been for a Cole start. I’m out of things to say about Cole.

Livan Hernandez (3-2, 3.23 ERA)

Natinals: Hey, did you know that Livan Hernandez is being investigated for ties to a convicted Puerto Rican drug trafficker? Neither did I until I googled him looking for a goofy picture of him to post.

Of course the big story of this game is that former Phillie MATT STAIRS is making his first appearance back  in Citizens Bank Park since signing his monster deal with Washington this summer. People have been wondering what kind of reaction Stairs will get when he’s announced at the park tonight. I, for one, will stand up and reverently cheer the man even though he is now the centerpiece and face of this Nationals team.

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Apr
27
2011
Posted by Ryan at 2:45 pm ET 97 Comments

3:40PM on TCN

PITCHING MATCHUP:

Cole Hamels (2-1, 2.92 ERA)

Phillies: Cole is going to be the one to stop this shitty skid. Yes he is. He’s going to do it. The Phillies aren’t going to get swept by the Diamondbacks. Ain’t gone happen.

Joe Saunders (0-2, 4.98 ERA)

D’backs: I have no fucking idea what’s up with that picture, I just know that it was sent to me on Twitter by @_magowan.

Go Sixers!

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Written by Ryan

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