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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 5:06 pm ET 4 Comments

Hahaha, you suck Mets. Especially you, Sugartits [who happened to record the first out of the 9th. Douche. And with the 2nd out, Endy Chavez, who Nastia Liukin could beat the shit out of.]. The Brewers win, the Mets lose, those douchey fans lose their first place lead for the second consecutive September. Part of me wanted to see the Mets and Phillies face each other in the playoffs, but most of me was saying “fuck them”. Let them experience that shitty feeling again (similar to coming off ‘e’). Fuck Jose Reyes, fuck Carlos Delgado’s resurgence, fuck B-Wags, but most of all, fuck David Wright. Bitches.

Welcome to the playoffs, Milwaukee Brewers.

Felt this song was fitting.

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 2:36 pm ET 6 Comments

Normally, I can’t stand MVP talk, but fuck it. Given the St. Louis ownership of the blogosphere, it has to be said.

Albert is NOT your MVP. The Cardinals suck (even with Kyle Lohse!). Yeah, I know he doesn’t strike out as much as Ryan “Black Lava*” Howard, but he did ground into four more double plays than the big guy.

I know there isn’t much of an argument for Howard over Pujols, but come on. Come on. They’re in FOURTH FUCKIN’ PLACE (begin whining about “Well, sir if they were in the NL West…”. Fuck your mother, they’re in the NL Central.). Titties after the jump (I love you, Katy Perry).

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 5:40 pm ET 1 Comment

BOOOO!!!That’s as SFW as I could get. The true title would be “Glad You’re Gone Fuckface”. “I Hope You Find Out How Shitty Retirement Is, You Taint”.

Because, ladies, gents, and transgenders, Todd Jones is no longer in the majors. The horrible reminder of asshole players of the past like Kenny “I’m not going to run into a wall” Lofton and the handle-barred one are behind us.

Thank Odin for Ryan Howard, Cole Hamels, Brad Lidge, Shane Victorino, and Sarge Matthews. No longer do we have the douchey and the underachieving.

So fuck off, Todd Jones. Glad to see you’re gone.

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:24 pm ET 1 Comment

The Phillies have one more loss, a lesser winning percentage, and still are 2.8% more likely to make the playoffs. Suck on that David Wright:

Posted by How do you spell retard? at 1:56 pm ET 8 Comments

Hellloooo, Ladies... A hex on Jerry Crasnick! A HEX! Where does he get the balls. A sampling from his article:

When it comes to sophisticated insights and pithy observations, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel is no George Will. He’s more like George Won’t.

George Won’t? That’s hilarious. That’s Skip Bayless or Jay Mariotti caliber of journalism. But the heresy continues:

“I believe in momentum,” Manuel said. “I believe in — what do you call it? — attitude, charisma, and when you come to the ballpark everything is OK. Everybody is in a good mood and upbeat. Everybody’s happy. People ain’t walking around sulking because they ain’t making enough money or something happened at the house.”

Manuel probably meant to say “chemistry” instead of “charisma,” but we’ll let the verbal lapse slide. Even when the man gropes for the proper words, he seems to have a knack for coming up with the right answers.

Gropes for answers? The only thing Chuck gropes is titties. And lots of ‘em. Probably your mom’s. Cause Chuck does it like that. He just grabs them shits. He doesn’t give a fuck. And if Charlie meant chemistry, then from now on ‘charisma’ means chemistry. End of story. He too busy squeezin’ titties to bother with the meanings of words.

Well, that’s the last sober post from the ‘Tard ’til Monday. I’m off to insert last weekend’s drinking into two nights (birthday weekend, cute devil-girl fucking with my brain [Clare? Lynniemac? Back me up, lady bloggers!], nothing else to do at school).

Daddy’s gone for the weekend, so expect NSFW posts(Tubgirl tag? Snorgtees girl sex tape?) and general deviance from yours truly and Chamo.  Mila Kunis boobies after the jump.

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 10:23 pm ET 9 Comments

I'll rip your nuts off, Ron KulpaHappy Late Sunday/Monday all. How was my weekend? Well, thanks for asking, it was real shitty. My car broke down 100 miles from school and 60 miles from my house, I only got wasted one night (ending my week long streak), and am stuck driving a Taurus until my car is fixed.

Well, enough of my bitch-fit, the Phils are now tied for the Wild Card and are only a game back of the team that resides in Ghea Stadium.

Brewers hitting coach Jim Skaalen sums up my mental state this weekend (bonus: Prince Fielder causes a 7.8 on the Richter Scale with his fall [seriously, that guy is fuckin' massive]).

Enjoy the shitty quality video after the jump.

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 8:07 pm ET 20 Comments

Watch your back, dude.Kyle Kendrick sucks, plain and simple. There’s no getting around it. After last night’s shitty outing, Pat Gillick should seriously consider trading him to Japan.

His last 10 starts:

46 IP, 68 hits, 25 walks, 39 earned runs.

In 5 of those starts he has gone 4.1 innings or less and has given up 6 earned runs or more. A mere 0.01 separates his and Adam Eaton’s WHIP. His hits per 9 IP is 0.27 point higher than Eat-dawg’s. He’s gone from the Hayden Panettiere(okay, but vastly overrated) of the Phillies pitching staff to the Bea Arthur of the staff.

Enough of these Tim McCarver/Chris Wheeler bullshit lines like “he goes out there and wins games” or “he’s a gamer” attributed to unathletic white guys (see: David Eckstein, any honky under 6 foot). Kyle Kendrick is awful (WE WANT EATON!…wait, what?)

To make up for the stat geekiness, here’s a Meech-inspired picture of Kristen Bell’s ass(much hotter than Hayden Panettiere).

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:52 am ET 9 Comments

According to Todd Zolecki’s blog, the Phillies have re-acquired 2B Tadahito Iguchi. Does this really matter? Who the fuck knows.

The more important news is now that the Phils got Iguchi, you can finally stop hearing announcers, fans, etc. referring to So Taguchi as ‘Iguchi’. I don’t know if anyone else couldn’t stand every fuckin’ time Taguchi came up to bat, some dumbass sitting next to you or some dumbass with squirrel hair and a propensity to talk over the entire broadcast referring to Taguchi as ‘Iguchi’.

Or, this may just lead to more shitty announcing and mix-ups by Wheels. A little Iguchi video(I think I stole from Meech’s Youtube account) after the ‘jump’ (apparently that’s what the kids are saying these days).

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Posted by How do you spell retard? at 8:13 pm ET 14 Comments

Greetings, n00bs. To those of you unfamiliar with myself, let me introduce… myself:

I am ‘How do you spell retard?’. I will only be addressed as so. You may have seen me on the Deadspins, Joe Sports Fan, The Sports Hernia, or my personal favorite Nudography(username: JornTunsberg). I am prone to both aspects of manic depression(self diagnosed). I went to school with some of Sal’s Pals. My home base is in Burlington County, but am currently located in North Jersey. I enjoy lookin’ for pussy, hitting on teenage girls, Norwegian Black Metal, porno, lifting, getting wasted, and the Phillies. I would describe myself as a combination of Travis Bickle and GG Allin, but physically Jamey Jasta and Ben Savage(with liberty spikes). I can’t stand Larry Anderson, am amused by Wheels’s douchiness.

Like Meech, I have an unhealthy obsession with Sarge and his hats.

Enough about me, there are more important matters:

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