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Mar
10
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 1:09 am ET 14 Comments

Worst Action Figure Ever.As of the last several weeks, the ‘Tard has stopped chasing the dragon. This gives him insight into how fucking stupid people are when they are high. Chan Ho Park, the insignificant offseason addition for the Phils, is creating a firestorm for local journalists. And by firestorm, I mean odd columns with Best Week Ever-style references. Failing economy !?! Whackity-schmakity doo!

“In 1998, he said, the South Korean economy was weak, and his countrymen looked forward to his starts. This week, economists estimated that the country’s economy could shrink by 5 to 8 percent this quarter. Park wants to do his part to provide relief again.”

The fuck?

“In 1998, they were happy watching my games every five days,” he said. “That’s why [starting] is very important. That’s why I’m still working hard, being here.”

The fuck? What the fuck? How is Chan Ho starting going to help your broke ass? How is some dude who has $60 in his bank account (i.e. HDYSR?) goin’ make ends meet cause some dude he knows pitched for the Phillies? That’s not gonna stop him from giving beejers on the streets of Paterson so he can pay his rent.

That ends the Ho Park article. But I couldn’t resist this part of the article:

“Take it from Chase Utley: Alex Rodriguez is in for a painful summer.”

Madonna’s crab and gonorrhea-infested twat will do that to you.

Mar
06
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 9:58 pm ET 16 Comments

ASS-HOLE. ASS-HOLE. ASS-HOLE.

Philly’s finest invention, ECW, has a cheer for guys like Scott Olsen. ‘Scuse me, a cheer for pompous dickbags like Scott Olsen. In the long tradition of hating at least one player for each team, and never being conflicted about who to root for because the other 29 teams are filled with bitches and hypocritical fucks, the Washington Nationals just stole fuckface away from the Marlins.

Aside from being very ugly, he is also a moron. Thorough research (Wikipedia) produced this gem:

“Olsen was arrested by police in Aventura, Florida after fleeing from police following a speeding violation (he was clocked going 48 MPH in a 35 MPH zone). He fled for about a mile, at which point he stopped at his home and sat in a plastic chair in the front yard. When police arrived and tried to arrest him, he kicked at the officers who then used a taser to subdue him.”

Nice one, dumbass. Enjoy telling us how you hate the Phillies and are openly rooting for their downfall while scratching your ass for a team that’s only getting shittier and shittier, the Washington Nationals.

Celebrity milkers after the jump:

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Feb
28
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 1:27 am ET 18 Comments

I’m just baffled, unaware what to make of this photo of Mets man-love between John Maine and [I think] Duaner Sanchez. It doesn’t look consensual to me…

Credit to commenter Tug Haines (easily in my Top 3 of commenters) for this bizarre photo.

Feb
26
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 2:45 am ET 10 Comments

Back in the beginning of 2009, my Peabody and NAACP Image award-winning column examined the dumbassery and bitchiness of one Larry “Chipper” Jones. He had gotten some sand in his vagina and decided that he wanted all the attention, and thought the Phillies-Mets rivalry was too talk-y. A brief summary of those January comments:

“You know, win with class, lose with class. Just keep your mouth shut and go play your game.”

Now the dumb fuck is saying this (courtesy of Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer):

“When you win the World Series, you can pop off, no doubt. You’ve done something a lot of other people haven’t done.”

Really? Pop off? You bitch. What happened to your Skip Baylessian tirade about class?

Jones reflected on Hamels’ comment, laughed and shook his head.

“But that’s probably not exactly the way I would have done it,” he said.

Yeah, that’s because in the immortal words of Chris “Y2J” Jericho, you’re an ass-clown. You’re a fucking Favreian media whore who gets pissed when no one gives a shit about your second-class team.

Atlanta used to be the epicenter of the National League East, with the Braves running off consecutive titles from 1995 to 2005. (They won three in the NL West before that.)

“Now we’re playing catch-up,” Jones said.

Fuck Hotlanta indeed. You jealous your team sucks. That’s enough cutting and pasting. For the kids out there, the lesson is Larry Jones is an arrogant turd and gets all pissy when his team is closer (standings-wise) to Washington than Philly.

Fuck you, Larry Jones.

Hey, you can see Eliza Dushku boobies if you click right below this text:

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Feb
22
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:05 am ET 17 Comments

…if he hopes to play for Italy’s team in the World Baseball Classic. Shane wants to join Team USA, but could settle for the Italian team. He could be Italy’s big star, given last year’s roster:


The proud Italian-American image was bolstered by the transcription of this phone call:

“Would you like to play for the Italian team in the World Baseball Classic?” Galante asked.

“I hate to tell you this, but I’m not one bit Italian,” the outfielder replied.

“Vic-tor-eeeeno,” Galante said.

“It’s not Italian,” Victorino countered.

“But it ends with an O,” Galante said.

“Yeah, but I’m Portuguese,” the Phillie explained.

Victorino and Galante had a good laugh over the phone.

“Can’t you just say you’re Italian and play for us?” Galante asked.

Victorino was flattered by the phone call.

“Hey, it was an honor to be asked to play for any team,” he said.

Translation: “Fuck the Italian team, if I’m getting an invite, it better be from Venezuela so I can get that pussy (LINK NSFW!!!!!) Bobby Abreu gets.”

If I were you, I wouldn’t play for Italy. We already have Brett Myers wearing douchey shirts in the clubhouse. We can’t risk your teammates corrupting you.

Also, J.C. Romero might not be able to play for Puerto Rico in the WBC. Motherfuckin’ Bud Selig!

*This post in no way represents the thoughts, attitudes or beliefs of meech.one, Chamomiles Davis, theFightins.com or it’s sponsors and affiliates. It wholey reflects one HDYSR?’s opinion that Italian-American stereotypes are hilarious and all adolescent Italian-American males from North Jersey are orange douchebags.

Feb
17
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:43 am ET 6 Comments

From David Murphy and the Daily News:

From Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer:

Credit to philly.com for the matching photos.

In conclusion, fuck no. Go back to your shitty Abercrombie modeling, K-Dog.

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Feb
14
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 2:13 am ET 11 Comments

In announcement from the Daily News, it has been revealed exclusively to the ‘Tard that Harry Kalas won’t be available to broadcast for Spring Training.

Kalas is expected to announce opening day, but will be unavailable before then due to surgery (my guess, removing a 190 lb cyst from his ass named Chris Wheeler) unrelated to his previously detached retina. Get well Harry: if not for your own sake, for the listening audience’s sake who will have to be subjected to this:

“In the meantime, television broadcaster Tom McCarthy will pitch in on radio.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!! Please, Harry, get well soon. Hopefully things will return to the status quo, and Tom McCarthy’s giant head can be relegated to talking to Kyle Kendrick’s uncle or giving us an update on the Phanatics’ Kid Zone ballpit.

Feb
10
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 7:04 pm ET 19 Comments

Somebody stab him.In the midst of all these redundant A-Rod newsclips, I know everyone is sick of all the steroid talk. This is barely Phillies news but a rant about baseball itself. And with the amount of players on ‘roids, it’s likely not everyone on the Phillies is clean (So Taguchi? Doug Glanville?). No longer can I stand old farts on their high horses whining about the sanctity of the game (while they’re high out of their mind on Vicodin and Percocets), former players giving themselves a pat on the dick because they didn’t roid up (while they’re jamming their bodies full of fish oil capsules because of all the amphetamines they did in the ’70s blew holes in their hearts), and uninformed parents speaking out so their dumbass offspring don’t get bacne and enlarged clitorises (while mommy’s starting the afternoon with her box of supermarket wine).

Along with the hypocrisy, comes the loser grown ups that brag about how straight-edge they were as an adolescent and how they can live to see their dicks die and their colons become cancerous.

If people want to take steroids, I say let them. Fuck the ramblings about ‘honor’ and ‘respect’ from glorified goat turds like Skip Bayless. Fuck anyone that wants to hear Curt Schilling’s opinion (unless you’re asking him “Do you want me to punch you in the dick or the throat?”). Every argument against letting ballplayers is bullshit. Even the ones not on ‘roids are taking Cortisone shots. Have you ever asked, what the fuck is Cortisone? IT’S A FUCKING STEROID HORMONE!! That’s two banned substances!

And who gives a fuck about the players? We don’t care about their feelings. We don’t give a shit if they’re sad when we boo them. Don’t pretend that you regard them as human. Wanting Chase Utley’s manhood inside you is not a genuine human connection. You and I both do not care if some 220 lb corner outfielder’s heart explodes before he reaches fifty. We care about championships. And we want them by any means necessary.

It’s a hypocritical world where people are outraged more about someone that abuses their body like Barry Bonds, then someone like Leonard Little who has literally killed somebody and has been convicted of it.

The more we pretend that we are concerned about someone we barely know destroying their body with drugs, the more attention it gives to pompous dipshits like Curt Schilling. Fuckin’ legalize it. It’s just as natural as putting 10x the recommended dose of protein, creatine, glutamine, etc. to achieve muscular growth.

And in the words of the late George Carlin: fuck the children.

UPDATE: For the Fightins’ fans with Facebook (alliteration +1), I decided to create a Fightins’-based Facebook group.

To those of you who like your preachiness with a side of titties, Bar Rafaeili after the jump:

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Feb
05
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 1:12 pm ET 7 Comments

Jimmy Rollins was on Daily News Live (Tuesday?) proclaiming the epic shittyness of the New York Metropolitians.

“The Phils are still the team to beat coming into the season even with the Mets off-season additions,” said Rollins.

Translation: Eat shit, David Wright. And what will the Phillies record be this year?

112 wins he told the panelists on Daily News Live.

That’s it? Let’s go for 120, 140, or just a perfect season altogether. Given that Adam Eaton isn’t with the team, why can’t us?

Vikki Blows’s lung pumpkins after the jump:

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Feb
02
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:19 pm ET 15 Comments

Nice coat.With everyone’s favorite ponophobic right fielder Bobby Abreu still looking for a team, New York Times resident dumbass Tyler Kepner inquired why this former home run derby champ was jobless*. And where did he go for his insight? Well, it’s only fitting that he contacted Astros GM and Houston’s resident dumbass, Ed Wade:

“He’s a sabermetrician’s dream, from the standpoint of what he produces statistically,” Wade said.

What!!! What kind of queer dream is that? You know what my dreams are? An outfielder whose dick doesn’t retreat into his body when he feels the warning track. That and looking for BJs and having my life threatened on a nightly, REM basis. Fuck sabermetricians.

But that’s enough from Wade, let’s go back to asshat Tyler Kepner:

I also think his defensive shortcomings are overstated. His range factor per nine innings was below the league average last season, but he still runs well and his arm is still adequate. Abreu has played at least 151 games in 11 consecutive seasons, but he shies away from outfield walls and his reputation has suffered for it.

His teams have also suffered for it. Jayson Werth ain’t  pussin’ out for some wall. How many fucking games has Abreu lost for this team because of his pussy antics at the plate and in the field? I’m no sabermetrician, but I’m guessing a bucketful. But let’s get back to Ed and horrible comparisons:

“Aaron Rowand is an outstanding player and he brings that blue-collar type of energy to the field, and that’s great. Fans gravitate to that, especially in Philadelphia. Bobby’s so good at what he does and so smooth at doing it, he tends to be underappreciated.”

Wait…wait a fucking second. Did he seriously call Bobby Abreu smooth ? Please, Bobby’s as smooth as a middle-aged prostitute’s mons pubis. Apparently herky-jerky oufielding and running a ball down like you have a butt plug inside you constitutes smoothness.

But there is good news:

A few dominoes could fall in certain places – the Dodgers, the Mets, the Mariners – that might open some options for Abreu

Oh, for Odin’s sake, pleeeeeeasse let him play for the Mets next year. He’s the perfect combination of heartless, overpaid, bitchy, nutless, gutless, and a sabermetrician’s solution to relieve a hard cock. I can hear the boos rain down on him in my sadomasochistic, nihilistic dreams.

*on a side note, anyone that says “general managers can’t spend as much money because of the failing economy” can have my taint for breakfast. Bullshit. Since when has baseball been a reflection of the economy? Endy Chavez made $1.8 million last year.

Written by How do you spell retard?

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