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May
12
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 9:40 pm ET 32 Comments

Legalize Murder.Answer: What are three things I’d rather do than attend a Dane Cook concert.

From Dan Gross‘s column:

Saturday night, after the Phillies’ loss to the Atlanta Braves, Utley and outfielder Jayson Werth took in Dane Cook’s show from a suite at the Spectrum. Cook was the last comedian who will play the Spectrum.

I don’t know what is more disgusting, the fact that Mr. World Fucking Champions and Jayson “The Delaware Valley wants to pork my mom” Werth attended the show, or that Dane Cook will be the last “comedian” to play the spectrum.

I use the term comedian lightly. Dane Cook is not a comedian. Dane Cock is a funny guy, who’s used good looks and an overabundance of energy to create a comedian persona. Dane Cook is a comedian in the same way that Justin Timberlake is a comedic actor.

If Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony knew that Dane Cook and Justin Timberlake would have had careers in the future, they might’ve reconsidered the whole “giving little girls the opportunity to voice their opinion thing”.

Not misogyny, misanthropy.

*Kudos to meech.one for this travesty. He-who-shall-not-be-named story after the jump:

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May
07
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:46 pm ET 19 Comments

I don’t like to call organizations classy, or people classy. As a cynical Libertine/nihilist/reprobate, I find it a reflection of one’s own arrogance by applying the term ‘classy’ to a public figure. Some people make a living by kissing losers’ asses and bitching about coffee (RESPECT THE SUN!). Hypocritical individuals and false personalities are created by morons who believe that perfection exists. ‘Classy’ is a load of horseshit.

That being said, the Phillies made an honorable decision to memorialize their legendary broadcaster. From the Daily News:

“In an anonymous wooden locker stall in the visiting clubhouse at Citi Field, a familiar blue blazer was draped on a hanger. Underneath it sat an equally familiar pair of white shoes.

The ensemble is one that Harry Kalas made famous, and the Phillies are now using them to honor the legendary broadcaster, giving the “uniform” its own stall in visiting clubhouses, and displaying it in the dugout during each home game.”

But the best part of this story is whose idea it was to hang the blazer. Which Phillie decided to spearhead this action? No questions asked you already know the answer:

“A group of players, spearheaded by centerfielder Shane Victorino, approached [Frank Coppenbarger,  Phillies' director of team travel and clubhouse services] about obtaining the blazer and shoes, Kalas’ trademark throughout his 39 years as a Phillies broadcaster”

Aloha, bitches. And if this column wasn’t classy enough already, titties after the jump:

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Apr
28
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 10:02 am ET 8 Comments

…former Phillies reliever Ryan “Wimpiest bitch to ever take steroids” Franklin is now the wearer of some of the shittiest facial hair on the planet.

Now Philly can be known for cheesesteaks, historical shit, Rocky, and baseball players with shit facial hair.

You make us* proud, gentlemen.

(*by us I mean me, a Delaware Valleyian and proud owner of a shitty white guy ‘stache)

Apr
20
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 9:12 pm ET 28 Comments

Not pictured-Brian Costa's cum stainsEvery fucking year, some stupid jackass watches a dozen games and gets his dick in a knot over a team that is *cue queer, uppity  pronunciation* “defying expectations”. I remember during the 2005 season when the Expos became the Nationals, sportswriters rubbed their dicks against the couch cushions as they were pathetically leading the NL East and then realized they were still the fucking Expos, but in Nationals uniforms. Losers.

Every year, sportswriters rub their dicks in a couch cushion. And at first, it feels like a pussy. But then you realize you’re fucking a piece of furniture, and instead of a National League Pennant, you’re left with a chaffed dick.

This year, those dick sores are going to be Marlin-shaped.  The Star-Ledger’s Brian Costa’s dick is currently covered with those sores.

Two weeks into the regular season, one team stands above all others in the division, and it is the Florida Marlins, whose 11-1 record is the best in the majors.

Wow. 12 fucking games. Seven percent of the fucking season. That is the equivalent of heralding the Cincinnati Bengals after going 1-0. Similar fucking percentages (where ma Math majors at!! Droppin’ them percentages, cocksucker!).

As Clark Spencer writes in The Miami Herald, “By defeating the now-shell-shocked Washington Nationals 7-4 [Sunday], the Marlins became the first team in 11 seasons to win three consecutive games that they trailed heading into their last at-bat. The 1998 Detroit Tigers were the last to do it.”

The Tigers record in 1998: 65-97. That coveted 5th place division finish. Glorious. Go get ‘em Marlins! That 65 win season is a high thing to shoot for. Check your facts next time Clark Spencer and Brian Costa, ya stupid fucks.

*On a side note, anybody know what a bandwagon is? And why are we still talking about wagons in the 21st century? ‘Scuse me while I hop on the Phillies Intergalactic Space Crusier Powered by reason and Hydrogen Fuel Cells

Apr
19
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 2:05 pm ET 12 Comments

Backstory courtesy of NY Daily News

*I was going to link the hilarious video, but the cocks at MLB Advanced Media took it down. Blow me, Matthew Gould.

Apr
15
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 3:25 pm ET 14 Comments

I’m not one for sensitivity, not one for soft, poetic pieces. I don’t entirely believe in death, personally.

I was not born and raised in Philadelphia. I was not raised on Phillies baseball. Coincidentally, the first Phillies game I went to was when the Harry and Whitey bobblehead was given away versus the St. Louis Cardinals. I’ve never claimed to be a baseball lifer, and I rarely discuss it with the people around me. I don’t sport Phillies caps and never made an effort as a young lad to go to the ole ball yard with my Pa with a dirty mitt in hand.

Baseball never meant much to me as an adolescent. I wasn’t trading cards with my bros or going out in the street pretending to be Lenny Dykstra or the Krukker. Harry the K and Wheels and LA and Scott Graham meant a lot to me.

Shockingly, I was kind of a weird kid. Somewhat of a social misfit. I was one to hang out with the metal kids and the stoners, not ones that typically enjoyed baseball. Baseball, to me, was sitting alone and enjoying the way Harry Kalas described the game on my shit radio. I rarely watched the games on TV (parents were too ‘honest’ to steal cable), so for 2 hours every night, I would lay down with my headphones on listening to the sweet baritone of a man that represented my connection to baseball. Even to this day I’d rather be listening to Harold Norbert Kalas describe a Tomas Perez fly out in a meaningless game then watch Ryan Howard hit a bomb in person. The first couple of Phillies games I found myself somewhat bored and confused that they didn’t pump in the announcing through the loudspeakers.

To me, listening to Harry is better than seeing the live action. As a very stoic sports viewer, only Harry can elicit a rise of emotion out of me. Listening to Harry on a staticy radio transmitter is a better baseball experience than front row seats.

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Apr
08
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 11:21 pm ET 44 Comments

Future TurdAs a credit to my journalistic integrity (journalistic integrity = yelling at everyone, often in obscenity-laden rants), I have to call out one of the brahs of the Fightins on somethin’. As pointed out by commenter Leann, ‘Duk of Big League Stew recently chastised Phillies fans for booing perennial asshat Adam Eaton.

Adam Eaton is a fuck. Adam Eaton is worthless. Adam Eaton is useless. Adam Eaton makes me so mad I only type in short sentences. To misquote Slayer: “[Eaton] is hate, [Eaton] is fear, [Eaton] is war. [Eaton] is rape, [Eaton's] obscure, [Eaton's] a whore”.

From ‘Duk’s column:

And, over time, they’ve made so many cases about why it was OK to throw snowballs at Santa Claus

Stop right there. The old ‘snowballs at Santa’ is the equivalent of the ‘Hitler was an atheist’ argument. It’s a fallacy that has spread over time and has little support. It’s not entirely true, it’s at best a situation taken out of context. No educated person should lower themselves to using the hackneyed attention grabbers of ESPN. But back to the real issue.

There is no defense of Eaton. He made almost no positive contribution to the team. Geoff Geory and Michael Bourn made a bigger contribution to the Phillies’ success last year. Matt Stairs, with his one moment in the NLCS, made a bigger impact than Eaton. Eaton had literally no role in the postseason success of the Phillies.

Is it right to boo him? Fuck yes. It is only wrong in the sense that all booing can be philosophically stated as wrong, but as you fair readers know, I don’t give a fuck about my fellow citizen. I don’t give a shit about my team’s players and no one truly does. I’m not a romantic, and I’m not saying that you have to adopt my beliefs, but never tell me that you care about the emotions of some random person for the 4-5 years they were a part of your major league roster.

Not to rag on you ‘Duk but Adam Eaton is a worthless piece of shit and a shame to the Phillies logo.

Check out them British funbags after the jump:

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Mar
29
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 1:28 am ET 63 Comments

Scooter the talking baseball, move over. Presenting “Phil the Can”:


Seriously? This is part of an environmental effort on the part of the Phillies. Now, rational people (I’m not a conspiracy nut, Ma!) understand the environmental is a bullshit political agenda, but that’s a rant for another time. I remember not standing the old school talking trash cans at McDonalds, and I was fucking 5 years old. I knew that shit was lame.

And while you may feel unproductive because you don’t have a job and spend the night drinking yourself silly whilst blogging and finding every possible version of Alice in Chains “Junkhead”, meet Global Spectrum facilities manager Bram Reynolds:

There’s also a new commitment to recycling and the environment at Citizens Bank Park.  In men’s rooms there are new, environmentally friendly urinal blocks that won’t harm the ozone layer, says Global Spectrum facilities manager Bram Reynolds:

“It will disintegrate in the urinal.  You do not have any waste left over, so we don’t have to add that to our landfills.”

This guy’s job is to talk about urinal cakes. Suddenly it feels fine to have $24 in savings and no job. At least I ain’t sniffing other dude’s pee.

I still can’t get over “Phil the Can”. I’m totally throwing non-degradables in that shit. Fuck you, inanimate trash speaky!

Mar
26
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 2:38 pm ET 15 Comments

The true stupidity of baseball closer coverage last year focused solely on one Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez. You know, that eccentric guy that is now douching it up with the Mets. While he was breaking the single season saves record, Philadelphia’s favorite proponent of shitty nu-metal was like an incoming freshman’s asshole, perfect.

And the general public was generally unimpressed with K-Rod’s record, given that the all the closers in the top 21 set their place from 1990-2008 (Dave Righetti shares the 21st spot with 46 saves in 1986). This boring, ass-clownish achievement pales in comparison to Lidge’s season.

This season, the Lidgemeister is chasing interesting history. He is third in consecutive regular season games saved, with 44. The fat Canadian guy is #1 with 84 and, ironically (ironic in this sense means “seriously?”) phormer Phillie Tom Gordon is #2 with 54.

If Lidge continues what he did last year, he could conceivably break the record in September, around the stretch drive when David Wright and Carlos Beltran’s alleged testicles retreat back up into their uteruses. There are bullshit arguments about steroids and queer notions about the sanctity of the game giving Tom Gordon the record, and meaning that Lidge would only be 11 saves away from the record-breaker (people think the Canadian fatty took steroids). But I regard those as generally stupid arguments.

Buckle your seatbelts and firmly grasp your nutsack (or oves, for the ladies out there), the Lidgemeister could be making history this year.

Gossip Girls skanking it up after the jump:

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Mar
19
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:00 pm ET 9 Comments

Whether it’s their awful NFL on FOX pregame shows, or their cockgobbingly stupid choice to give Tim McCarver an outlet to speak, we all know FOX Sports has some of the most awful television coverage available. Not to mention to Joe Buck, whose unenthusiastic calls are soundbites that could be paired with Auschwitz footage and you’d still be more disgusted by Buck.
To compliment Rupert Murdoch’s shitty network, they have an equally shitty website. Thems geniuses came up with a poll for one of their uninspired columns, really grinding my gears:

Enough with Ryan Howard’s strikeouts already! We get it. The tubby guy swings and misses a lot. He doesn’t have that Ecksteiny quality of always making contact and getting thrown out at first. Big fucking deal he whiffs a lot. He also hits fucking bombs. We all know he’s not Albert Poo-holes (i.e. a whiny little bitch), but I’d take a strikeout over a Chooch Ruiz double play. Ryan Howard sriking out is the equivalent of No Questions Asked popping out to shallow centerfield (actually, a steal could be going on so the likelihood of runner being advanced is greater).

So shut your fucking mouths about Black Lava’s strikeouts. If I remember right, he struck out a lot and the Phils are still World Fucking Champions. Don’t let Ryan Howard’s Ks become the new Philadelphia drivel like *does best Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel impression* “Derrr, I heards y’all Phillay fans booed Santer Claus”.

Mizz Perry’s lovely lady lumps after the jump:

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