Whether it’s their awful NFL on FOX pregame shows, or their cockgobbingly stupid choice to give Tim McCarver an outlet to speak, we all know FOX Sports has some of the most awful television coverage available. Not to mention to Joe Buck, whose unenthusiastic calls are soundbites that could be paired with Auschwitz footage and you’d still be more disgusted by Buck.
To compliment Rupert Murdoch’s shitty network, they have an equally shitty website. Thems geniuses came up with a poll for one of their uninspired columns, really grinding my gears:

Enough with Ryan Howard’s strikeouts already! We get it. The tubby guy swings and misses a lot. He doesn’t have that Ecksteiny quality of always making contact and getting thrown out at first. Big fucking deal he whiffs a lot. He also hits fucking bombs. We all know he’s not Albert Poo-holes (i.e. a whiny little bitch), but I’d take a strikeout over a Chooch Ruiz double play. Ryan Howard sriking out is the equivalent of No Questions Asked popping out to shallow centerfield (actually, a steal could be going on so the likelihood of runner being advanced is greater).

So shut your fucking mouths about Black Lava’s strikeouts. If I remember right, he struck out a lot and the Phils are still World Fucking Champions. Don’t let Ryan Howard’s Ks become the new Philadelphia drivel like *does best Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel impression* “Derrr, I heards y’all Phillay fans booed Santer Claus”.

Mizz Perry’s lovely lady lumps after the jump:

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As of the last several weeks, the ‘Tard has stopped chasing the dragon. This gives him insight into how fucking stupid people are when they are high. Chan Ho Park, the insignificant offseason addition for the Phils, is creating a firestorm for local journalists. And by firestorm, I mean odd columns with Best Week Ever-style references. Failing economy !?! Whackity-schmakity doo!

“In 1998, he said, the South Korean economy was weak, and his countrymen looked forward to his starts. This week, economists estimated that the country’s economy could shrink by 5 to 8 percent this quarter. Park wants to do his part to provide relief again.”

The fuck?

“In 1998, they were happy watching my games every five days,” he said. “That’s why [starting] is very important. That’s why I’m still working hard, being here.”

The fuck? What the fuck? How is Chan Ho starting going to help your broke ass? How is some dude who has $60 in his bank account (i.e. HDYSR?) goin’ make ends meet cause some dude he knows pitched for the Phillies? That’s not gonna stop him from giving beejers on the streets of Paterson so he can pay his rent.

That ends the Ho Park article. But I couldn’t resist this part of the article:

“Take it from Chase Utley: Alex Rodriguez is in for a painful summer.”

Madonna’s crab and gonorrhea-infested twat will do that to you.

ASS-HOLE. ASS-HOLE. ASS-HOLE.

Philly’s finest invention, ECW, has a cheer for guys like Scott Olsen. ‘Scuse me, a cheer for pompous dickbags like Scott Olsen. In the long tradition of hating at least one player for each team, and never being conflicted about who to root for because the other 29 teams are filled with bitches and hypocritical fucks, the Washington Nationals just stole fuckface away from the Marlins.

Aside from being very ugly, he is also a moron. Thorough research (Wikipedia) produced this gem:

“Olsen was arrested by police in Aventura, Florida after fleeing from police following a speeding violation (he was clocked going 48 MPH in a 35 MPH zone). He fled for about a mile, at which point he stopped at his home and sat in a plastic chair in the front yard. When police arrived and tried to arrest him, he kicked at the officers who then used a taser to subdue him.”

Nice one, dumbass. Enjoy telling us how you hate the Phillies and are openly rooting for their downfall while scratching your ass for a team that’s only getting shittier and shittier, the Washington Nationals.

Celebrity milkers after the jump:

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I’m just baffled, unaware what to make of this photo of Mets man-love between John Maine and [I think] Duaner Sanchez. It doesn’t look consensual to me…

Credit to commenter Tug Haines (easily in my Top 3 of commenters) for this bizarre photo.

Back in the beginning of 2009, my Peabody and NAACP Image award-winning column examined the dumbassery and bitchiness of one Larry “Chipper” Jones. He had gotten some sand in his vagina and decided that he wanted all the attention, and thought the Phillies-Mets rivalry was too talk-y. A brief summary of those January comments:

“You know, win with class, lose with class. Just keep your mouth shut and go play your game.”

Now the dumb fuck is saying this (courtesy of Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer):

“When you win the World Series, you can pop off, no doubt. You’ve done something a lot of other people haven’t done.”

Really? Pop off? You bitch. What happened to your Skip Baylessian tirade about class?

Jones reflected on Hamels’ comment, laughed and shook his head.

“But that’s probably not exactly the way I would have done it,” he said.

Yeah, that’s because in the immortal words of Chris “Y2J” Jericho, you’re an ass-clown. You’re a fucking Favreian media whore who gets pissed when no one gives a shit about your second-class team.

Atlanta used to be the epicenter of the National League East, with the Braves running off consecutive titles from 1995 to 2005. (They won three in the NL West before that.)

“Now we’re playing catch-up,” Jones said.

Fuck Hotlanta indeed. You jealous your team sucks. That’s enough cutting and pasting. For the kids out there, the lesson is Larry Jones is an arrogant turd and gets all pissy when his team is closer (standings-wise) to Washington than Philly.

Fuck you, Larry Jones.

Hey, you can see Eliza Dushku boobies if you click right below this text:

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…if he hopes to play for Italy’s team in the World Baseball Classic. Shane wants to join Team USA, but could settle for the Italian team. He could be Italy’s big star, given last year’s roster:

“Would you like to play for the Italian team in the World Baseball Classic?” Galante asked.

“I hate to tell you this, but I’m not one bit Italian,” the outfielder replied.

“Vic-tor-eeeeno,” Galante said.

“It’s not Italian,” Victorino countered.

“But it ends with an O,” Galante said.

“Yeah, but I’m Portuguese,” the Phillie explained.

Victorino and Galante had a good laugh over the phone.

“Can’t you just say you’re Italian and play for us?” Galante asked.

Victorino was flattered by the phone call.

“Hey, it was an honor to be asked to play for any team,” he said.

Translation: “Fuck the Italian team, if I’m getting an invite, it better be from Venezuela so I can get that pussy (LINK NSFW!!!!!) Bobby Abreu gets.”

If I were you, I wouldn’t play for Italy. We already have Brett Myers wearing douchey shirts in the clubhouse. We can’t risk your teammates corrupting you.

Also, J.C. Romero might not be able to play for Puerto Rico in the WBC. Motherfuckin’ Bud Selig!

*This post in no way represents the thoughts, attitudes or beliefs of meech.one, Chamomiles Davis, theFightins.com or it’s sponsors and affiliates. It wholey reflects one HDYSR?’s opinion that Italian-American stereotypes are hilarious and all adolescent Italian-American males from North Jersey are orange douchebags.

From David Murphy and the Daily News:

From Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer:

Credit to philly.com for the matching photos.

In conclusion, fuck no. Go back to your shitty Abercrombie modeling, K-Dog.

In announcement from the Daily News, it has been revealed exclusively to the ‘Tard that Harry Kalas won’t be available to broadcast for Spring Training.

Kalas is expected to announce opening day, but will be unavailable before then due to surgery (my guess, removing a 190 lb cyst from his ass named Chris Wheeler) unrelated to his previously detached retina. Get well Harry: if not for your own sake, for the listening audience’s sake who will have to be subjected to this:

“In the meantime, television broadcaster Tom McCarthy will pitch in on radio.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!! Please, Harry, get well soon. Hopefully things will return to the status quo, and Tom McCarthy’s giant head can be relegated to talking to Kyle Kendrick’s uncle or giving us an update on the Phanatics’ Kid Zone ballpit.

In the midst of all these redundant A-Rod newsclips, I know everyone is sick of all the steroid talk. This is barely Phillies news but a rant about baseball itself. And with the amount of players on ‘roids, it’s likely not everyone on the Phillies is clean (So Taguchi? Doug Glanville?). No longer can I stand old farts on their high horses whining about the sanctity of the game (while they’re high out of their mind on Vicodin and Percocets), former players giving themselves a pat on the dick because they didn’t roid up (while they’re jamming their bodies full of fish oil capsules because of all the amphetamines they did in the ’70s blew holes in their hearts), and uninformed parents speaking out so their dumbass offspring don’t get bacne and enlarged clitorises (while mommy’s starting the afternoon with her box of supermarket wine).

Along with the hypocrisy, comes the loser grown ups that brag about how straight-edge they were as an adolescent and how they can live to see their dicks die and their colons become cancerous.

If people want to take steroids, I say let them. Fuck the ramblings about ‘honor’ and ‘respect’ from glorified goat turds like Skip Bayless. Fuck anyone that wants to hear Curt Schilling’s opinion (unless you’re asking him “Do you want me to punch you in the dick or the throat?”). Every argument against letting ballplayers is bullshit. Even the ones not on ‘roids are taking Cortisone shots. Have you ever asked, what the fuck is Cortisone? IT’S A FUCKING STEROID HORMONE!! That’s two banned substances!

And who gives a fuck about the players? We don’t care about their feelings. We don’t give a shit if they’re sad when we boo them. Don’t pretend that you regard them as human. Wanting Chase Utley’s manhood inside you is not a genuine human connection. You and I both do not care if some 220 lb corner outfielder’s heart explodes before he reaches fifty. We care about championships. And we want them by any means necessary.

It’s a hypocritical world where people are outraged more about someone that abuses their body like Barry Bonds, then someone like Leonard Little who has literally killed somebody and has been convicted of it.

The more we pretend that we are concerned about someone we barely know destroying their body with drugs, the more attention it gives to pompous dipshits like Curt Schilling. Fuckin’ legalize it. It’s just as natural as putting 10x the recommended dose of protein, creatine, glutamine, etc. to achieve muscular growth.

And in the words of the late George Carlin: fuck the children.

UPDATE: For the Fightins’ fans with Facebook (alliteration +1), I decided to create a Fightins’-based Facebook group.

To those of you who like your preachiness with a side of titties, Bar Rafaeili after the jump:

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Jimmy Rollins was on Daily News Live (Tuesday?) proclaiming the epic shittyness of the New York Metropolitians.

“The Phils are still the team to beat coming into the season even with the Mets off-season additions,” said Rollins.

Translation: Eat shit, David Wright. And what will the Phillies record be this year?

112 wins he told the panelists on Daily News Live.

That’s it? Let’s go for 120, 140, or just a perfect season altogether. Given that Adam Eaton isn’t with the team, why can’t us?

Vikki Blows’s lung pumpkins after the jump:

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