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Oct
28
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:53 pm ET 35 Comments

CC Sabathia

Eat my dick, New York.

*Howdy S. Thompson is in no way and has never been affiliated with the Philadelphia Daily News. All related imagery is coincidental and done for the purpose of satire. Also, FUCK NEW YORK.

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Oct
07
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:08 am ET 35 Comments

Hey, everybody, how’ve ya been? I know you may be saying: “Hey, you talentless asswipe, where have you been? I, the Fightins loyal readership, have missed the ego boost I receive every week from your pathetic attempt at prose. I miss the feeling of my own normalcy compared to your inebriated delusions of grandeur. What happened to the titties? Is Josh Hamilton still a fucking pusswad? Does Sam Donellon still suck a greasy old horsecock? If I drench myself in others blood, am I sick? Where are the tits?”

Damn it’s tough being the Intahnets sexiest blogger. Damn it sucks waking up at 3AM. Damn it’s interesting when you no longer have the cognitive ability to differentiate your conscious and unconscious minds. And mostly, damn little children are fucking wastes of blood and organs.

Aside from the elderly, children are an awful race I would like to eliminate from the human landscape. I’ve always been on the very exclusive, pro-genocide bandwagon. Shit like the Toba incident just makes me hard in the penis area. But ‘Tardy, whyou so mean? Because of awful children and their fucking awful parents like this family:

Jennifer Valdivia filed a lawsuit Monday against the Philadelphia Phillies [Ryan Howard] for the rights to his 200th home run, which made Major League history as the player to reach the milestone the fastest.

Howard hit the home run at land Shark Stadium against the Florida Marlins on July 16, and as is customary, wanted the ball back.

So Phillies staff invited Valdivia to the club house for a one-on-one meeting with the star, which would have been enough for any other fan. But the Howard also autographed a baseball in exchange for the historic one.

The kid accepted the deal, but after she told her parents, the family told the Phillies and Howard they wanted the ball back.

Let me be the first to say it is socially acceptable to call a 12 year old girl an inconsiderate little asshole. This little kid displayed disgustingly mature qualities in holding onto something of value so she could get her fucking payday. When I was a kid, I went to the ballpark for the atmosphere, to oogle sluttily-dressed girls, and enjoy diarrhea-inducing food. This kid has none of my admirable qualities. Little fucking asshole. But it’s not entirely the kid that is infuriating, it’s more the awful parent that put her up to this. Some coozbag soccer mom in her velor jumpsuit acting like coozy old, unfucked housewives do. Suing celebrities because their worn out old beef lips don’t work, they can no longer get that early afternoon buzz from their box of wine, and their 20 cent off coupons have expired at the local Shoprite.

In the end, Black Lava was the bigger man. He gave the kid the stupid ball, and coozy old housewives that put frivolous lawsuits in motion celebrated everywhere by experiencing pleasure in what was once a human vagina, but now resembles a vacuum that sucks the last remaining shred of humanity we have left.

Fuck the Valveeda family and their frivolousness. You represent all that is wrong with everything.

Titties after the jump:

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Aug
25
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:27 am ET 9 Comments

?And by that I mean one, curmudgeony old, stinky asshole Billy Wagner. B-Wags has lost the ire of Phillies fans recently due to the departure of Pat “your girlfriend’s pussy tastes like Pat the Bat’s dick” Burrell from the current club. But he is still a pain n the ass and destroyer of teams:

Astros after Wagner: World Series appearance

Phillies after Wagner: World Fucking Champions

Mets after Wagner: Still douchebags, but likely with more wins

That’s why after listening to baby-headed announcers and Muffin reading headlines concerning Wagner’s possible shipment to the Red Sox, I creamed my fucking metaphorical pants (I am not, personally, fond of clothes). Whyso, you might ask?

It’s because something special has been lost this season. There’s a certain mystical wonder and glee that comes from the back and forth of Mets and Phillies fans. The kind of whimsy where they light your car on fire, and you take a dump in their Cracker Jack box after they leave their seat. The joy of throwing a bottle at the backs of their heads is no longer as fun as it once was. Sure, raping them in the NL East standings is fun, but so is calling Jose Reyes synonyms for a vagina from the stands. I don’t want the Mets to be a great team, just good enough for us to shit on their hopes and dreams come September.

Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing B-Wags destroy Boston. That team and their fans can get fucked. I would like nothing better than to see the Boston Red Sox go 0-162 for the rest of this planet’s existence. Fuck Boston.

Blouse bunnies after the jump:

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Aug
11
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 8:15 pm ET 28 Comments

If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that old people are miserable, rude, ornery, disrespectful, rude people. After the quote w’all heard from Muffin Wheeler during Sunday’s telecast, the Phillies seem to be in high spirits. Pedro is here! I have no problem moving to the bullpen! That midget is 3 and a half feet under (get it!), so we don’t have to install those infant urinals!

Well, most were in good spirits:

“Jamie Moyer said Tuesday that he is “not happy” with the Phillies’ decision to demote him to the bullpen in favor of Pedro Martinez.He described himself as “disheartened” and said he had been reassured by the front office during the offseason that such a scenario “would not happen.”

“I feel a little like I’ve been misled,” he said.”

Hey brah, didn’t you just say three days ago that you were happy with your career? Oh yeah, you did.  Some shit about how he’s glad just to be pitching and is really satisfied with his life right now. Anyone who watched the Sunday telecast heard Moyer say he was just jazzed about his place right now.

So don’t get your pantaloons in a knot, Grampy Moyer. You suck right now, so let’s see what P-Mart can give us. Talk tough when you aren’t giving up 11 hits in 5 innings of pitching.

Katy Perry’s baby feeders after the jump:

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Aug
09
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 4:22 pm ET 70 Comments

DummyEd Rapuano is all that is wrong with baseball. Correction: Ed Rapuano is all that is wrong with professional sports.

Players today are told not to talk to the media. Don’t say anything controversial. Be a fucking nobody. Throw ball, catch ball, hit ball. Show no fucking emotion, and stand up for nothing. Just ‘do your job’. We are a sports culture without the definitive personalities that define and defy culture. Professional athletes are fucking boring nobodies. And a large portion of the idiot masses are responsible for this (mostly the old people).

We get bent out of shape and shit our jorts when Jose Reyes acts like an ass. Our cocks get twisted in a knot when Manny strolls from home plate. We preach bullshit. We create robots (and shitty robots, at that). Sure, you can complain about a player acting out, but stop making a big fucking stink about it. Don’t enact rules that ban emotion. Mussolini’s Italy allowed more freedom of expression than major league baseball.

Don’t let idiots like Ed Rapuano take control of the game. Fuck robotic athletes. Fuck out of control umpires.

And to add fuel to the fire, if Shane-o was in center for that Werth mishap, the inning might have ended earlier. Fuck you, Ed Rapuano, fuck you and your totalitarian umpiring. Fuck you.

Aug
01
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:49 am ET 21 Comments

A team that is (at the time this post was penned) 10 games out is easy to beat up on. Like David Wright’s mom, everybody takes a shot. But this is not the forum to discuss the Mets gutlessness, their shit fans, David Wright’s owning of a vagina, or Dick-wad K-Rod being a fucking douche.

The Mets are not only bad at baseball. They also have no fashion sense. Gouge your eyes out before the jump:

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Jul
29
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 10:53 pm ET 25 Comments

New Phillies pitcher Cliff (the second ‘f’ stands for FUCKING) cemented his place in baseball history. Per his Wiki page:

On July 21, 2007, Lee hit Texas Rangers’ right fielder Sammy Sosa in the head with a pitch on a night when the Rangers were honoring Sosa for hitting his 600th home run.

I have a feeling Philly is goin’ to love you, Cliff. Just make sure to throw one near David Wright’s groin, leaving a bruise on his female vagina.

200_cliff lee

Jul
29
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:35 am ET 12 Comments

Hi there, observant reader! Those familiar with my inane, angry, psychotic ramblings insightful posts are accustomed to my personal brand of “you stupid fucking moron, that’s the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever heard” and “[Howdy S. Thompson]‘s opinion is the correct one, ya ‘ol coozbag”.

Some thought Ryan Madson would fill in as a closer admirably. Some didn’t. Inquiries were made about a washed-up fatty. They were beautifully untrue. Advice to not sign a washed up midget lover was ignored. A self-centered blogger used his own post to highlight his previous posts.

In regards to the recent stupid idea, ESPN (that network with the naked chick reporter and those enema-brained anchors) proposed a truly fucking stupid fucking idea. Let the literary colonic begin:

Brett Myers, eyeing a sooner-than-expected recovery from hip surgery, might return to the Philadelphia Phillies as a reliever rather than as a starter.

The benefits could be twofold: Myers would be able to return more quickly as a reliever than as a starter, while the Phillies’ injury-depleted bullpen could get some much-needed relief.

The benefits could also, and more likely be, shitfold. I doubt Myers, a guy who was known for most of his career as being a lazy fatty, is the type to quickly get in shape. Yes, he has made an effort to lose weight in recent seasons, but I imagine he has spent the past couple of months eating Fritos and drinking adult beverages. And we all know how Myers has performed as a closer. So moving him to the bullpen (AND SETTING HIM UP FOR FAILURE LIKE THEY DID FOR MAD DOG!) will worsen an already ravaged bullpen. Myers opinion:

“I just felt like for me to get back quicker, it would have to be out of the bullpen,” he said, according to the Philadelphia Daily News.”

Fuck and no. You know what starters normally do? They pitch a couple of AA games, let up some runs, say “who gives a fuck about the minor league team’s wins and losses?”, and don’t fuck up an already fucked up bullpen as conditioning practice.

Fuck yo logic, ESPN and Brett! Pitch some AA games. Tell Ruben to pull an Ed Wade and trade for some relievers. We can’t have you giving up routine dingers in the late innings. Lake Bell’s titties after the jump (from above!):

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Jul
21
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 11:56 pm ET 29 Comments

Dearest Phillies management:

You claim to have several ‘untouchables’ (I’m too late to make a Michael Jackson “bad touch, good touch” joke) in your farm system. Kyle Famous Last Name, Lou Marson, et cetera. I know you care about the future (even though one of your former players knows the world will end in less than 2 years). The future is a sexy proposition. Everybody likes talking about the future, because they are not held liable for their stupid predictions.

So, your cold feet in regards to selling off your future is justifiable, if you are looking to move the son of  a former legend (genealogy and shit will back up his potential for greatness). But you know who the Phillies recently rejected (<—-the headline in alluded to in my headline) a trade for? This guy.

Kyle Cockfucking Kendrick!?!?! Why!!?!? That turd of an arm couldn’t throw a watchmaker’s dick through a laundry chute (I don’t understand my own analogies either). Fuck that guy! He’s as successful a pitcher as the ‘Tard is at selling his position on drug abuse.

And for whom was double K to be traded? Probably some shitball pitcher, or useless veteran, right? Not really. A thirty year old outfielder with a .283 average and 12 dingers. Josh Willingham, a decent player playing for the shittiest franchise in the history of turd franchises.

While reports are not entirely saying that they were trying to move Kendrick, their love of this loser saddens Howdy S. I’d trade that uselessness in a fucking minute. I’d trade Kyle Kendrick for a used nutsack and a box of baking soda.

RoyHalladay > Josh Willingham > a nutsack & baking soda > Kyle Kendrick

Don’t do something so fucking stupid like this again, Rube Jr.

Sincerely,

Howdy S. Thompson

P.S. All future hate mail can be directly delivered to the ‘Tard at sargematthewshats@gmail.com

Jul
13
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 9:49 pm ET 76 Comments

CrackheadDue to the public love for “infected veins to role model for little kids” “rags to riches” stories, pussyboy Josh Hamilton is in the news again. The 2009 Home Run Derby included allusions to the 2008 Home Run Derby, and fuck my asshole, his boring story is hot shit.

For those unaware, Josh did a shitload of drugs, got allegedly clean and then pimped out his Jesus love. The first issue is his drugginess. In my unverified medical opinion, there are two kinds of people that take drugs: 1.) Strong-willed individuals who are curious if drugs can alter their experience, possibly leading to more knowledge, and 2.) Weak individuals who are curious to find out if drugs can help them feel ‘normal’ in a fucked up world. Josh Hamilton is the latter of the two. He is a weak person. He relapsed in 2005, and by the very definition of the word habit, it is likely that he will relapse again.

You, the reader, might be saying “drugs are scary and tough and dehabilitating and addictive”. Yes, that may be true. But you know what, not every drug story reaches rock bottom. Strong-willed individuals know they can decide their own fate. Strong willed individuals, like a shitty psychologist /good philosopher Sigmund Freud can use addictive substances without becoming addicted. Authors, bloggers (I plead the 5th), and people from all walks of life can go ‘cold turkey’ easily. These individuals are never heard from because they don’t make the Rick Reilly’s of the world cream in their pants late at night. For the  most part, people who abuse drugs and cannot come off them are pussies. Pussies like Josh Hamilton.

And in regards to your stupid children. To put it as Joe Morgan would put it, the word is consistency. Don’t vilify Barry Bonds for his drug use, and then glorify Josh “Tyrone Biggums” Hamilton for his drug use. If your stance is “drugs are bad”, then this contradiction is alarming. If your stance is “performance enhancing drugs ruin the game [...] recreational drugs are bad” you are a moron. Stupid parents raising stupid kids to become stupid adults who relay an anti-drug message with no personal research. Fuck you, ignorant parents.

Not to get in a whole religion debate, but this is a secular nation founded by deists. We don’t want to hear about your fucking savior, Josh. Shut the fuck up about the guy in the sandals already. I’m not going to make the Nietzschean claim about reprehensible people at rock bottom “finding Jesus”. Keep your fucking god out of my television, Josh Hamilton.

Fucking pussy. Good luck to Ryan “Black Lava” Howard in the Home Run Derby! Katy Perry after the jump: Read more »

Written by How do you spell retard?

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