The Fightins » Larry FN Bowa R.I.P. Harry Kalas Sat, 16 Jul 2011 21:37:55 +0000 en hourly 1 Larry FN Bowa’s 2011 Midseason FN Report Card Tue, 12 Jul 2011 15:01:05 +0000 Larry FN Bowa

Dallas Green once told me while holding Nino Espinosa’s head inside a tub of rattlesnakes: “Being named to the All-Star team only makes you half-good, pudface!”

That was in 19-fucking-80. It might as well have been 19-fucking-80 million years ago, because at least back then when you were named to the All-Star roster for your nice fucking first half of one fucking season you FUCKING SHOWED UP.

Someone told me that 85 players have been named All-Star this year thanks to all the crampy cunts who dropped out. That was half the fucking league before all you pantywaists got your precious Marlins and Rockies thanks to expansion.

In my time, you didn’t miss the All-Star Game because of an ouchy fucking thumb. You did what every blue-collar American did in order to get out there to earn a paycheck: You took a handful of greenies, stuffed them in your cake hole and flew to fucking work! And I don’t want to hear about greenies being outlawed. Spitballs were illegal, but you didn’t see that stop Gaylord Perry from putting enough Vaseline on his person to lube up the starfishes of every one of Derek Jeter’s 3,000 “hits.”

Tell you this much: I’d much rather be the All-Star representative of cheating than the designated fucking hitter.

Anyway, Mooch wants me to do these midseason awards — like any of these candy-asses deserves a prize.

NL Least Fucking Sad Player: Let’s cut to the fucking chase: Fuck Matt Kemp. Fuck that fucking fuckstained fuckhole. How about you save a coaching staff’s jobs and do what you’re doing for a team that can compete in that clown division? Then maybe you’ll be something other than the King of Shitsville.

If I was going to go to war with an NL hitter this season, it would be Ryan Braun. I’d just stop him from wearing those Affliction knockoff shirts that make him look like Vin Diesel’s half-retarded brother.

AL Least Fucking Sad Player: I don’t know what Jose Bautista is putting in his bananas, and I don’t want to fucking know. At least whatever he’s on doesn’t make his fucking head puff up like a Macy’s Parade balloon.

N.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: How much is Dan Uggla’s contract? $62 million? He should have to pull his fucking monthly paycheck out of a vat of bat shit and Chipper Jones semen.

A.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: If I were that fucking donkey in Shrek, I would use a laser fucking guidance system to assure that I deliver the most devastating fucking kick to the ‘nads of that gelatinous wad of oosperm Adam Dunn for sullying my fucking species by using it as his nickname.

N.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Another year, another easy fucking managing situation for Charlie. He didn’t even have to deal with watching that founder of the fucking deep fryer, Joe Blanton, waddle out there every fifth day because he’s (wink, wink) hurt.

The choice is between Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels. Give it to Halladay, since the fucking team never loses a goddamn game he starts.

A.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Giving awards to pitchers is like giving a prize for Khloe Kardashian’s Best Fucking Crab Louse. Anyway, I’ll go with Justin Verlander here because he dominates for a team that fields like Meech’s hungover softball buddies on a Sunday morning.

N.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Well, well, well. Seems the Phillies these days like to unload their fucking piece of shit pitchers and replace them with All-Stars. When I was manager they would plop Omar Fucking Daal in my lap.

It’s too fucking difficult to discern one flame bag of ex-Phillie shit from another, so J.A. Happ and Brett Myers have to share this backhoe of guano. Well done, bozos. That’s what you get for having Ed Wade as the president of your fucking fan clubs.

A.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Has John Lackey killed himself yet? Because I heard his wife has decided all of Boston is right and he should go stick his cock in the plug that lights the Citgo sign.

N.L. and A.L. Rookies of the Year: You pathetic cunts get nothing. And I don’t care if that means Dom Brown’s dick gets covered in Meech’s salty tears. Tough tits.

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Larry FN Bowa’s NLCS FN Preview Fri, 15 Oct 2010 21:08:51 +0000 Larry FN Bowa

Hello, Philly. I’d rather have my balls waxed with a Yankee fucking Candle and 700-grit sandpaper by fucking Dallas Green than do this, but a guy needs to make a fucking living and Matt Macchio here offered me some decent scratch and 50 Cambodian greenies to do this preview, so fuck it.

Let’s start by saying this: These two teams are here by default. The National League this season looked like the fucking volunteer table at a breast cancer walk. The fucking joke of a team I coached should’ve sold its titty milk to San Fernando Valley soccer moms. The Phillies were a fucking physical wreck all season and no one could catch them. Katy Perry’s rack hits her in the face when she jogs with more consistency than the fucking Giants do. Aubrey Fucking Huff is your offensive leader? Jesus H Christ.

So, who will win the series you ask? Well, I’m going with the Phillies in 6. Why? Because I called J-Roll the other night and fucking ripped him a new asshole for turning into Ivan DeJesus this year. I could tell he needed a fucking pep talk, and I delivered it. So if he has a sliver of fucking balls left in his heart, he’s going to put aside this pansy-ass sore leg bullshit and show the fuck up. And when he’s swinging his cock around like Brett Favre in front of his Droid, that team can’t be beat.

The pitching you ask? What the fuck do you want me to say? That if I had Halladay, Hamels and Oswalt I would’ve won 120 games and had so many fucking World Series rings that I’d have had one fitted for my cock by now? Because I would have. The Giants have some quality guys, including that fucking pothead. But come on. We started Vicente Padilla on Opening Day, and the Padres were trying to win in September with the Flyin’ Fucking Hairston brothers clogging the clubhouse shower with their twat hairs. Please, assholes.

Anyway, I’m thinking about taking a managerial gig in Japan next year. Ichiro used to call me Hetakuso, which I think means Baseball Master in Japanese. Fuck this noise. At least I know Padilla can’t fucking follow me there. He and Wheels are fucking banned after they took that winter trip there with lollipops and Little Boy Blue costumes.

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Larry FN Bowa’s Midseason FN Report Card Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:09:23 +0000 Larry FN Bowa

Well, well, well. What in the hell is this thing? I’m no Internet expert, but I’ve seen enough rough-sex porn sites to know when I’m seeing a Web page that hasn’t upgraded since 2004.

Anyway, this is your good friend LarryFNBowa, taking a break from misting umpires with my spittle to do a midseason report card. I’d like to thank this Meach guy for sending me the stack of free passes to Show & Tel and for arranging a fuck fest with that @ZooWithRoy chick. Any woman who wants to go balls-deep on Halladay in the lion’s den has to be a freaky fucking broad.

Let’s get something out of the way: If you’re a kid, get the fuck out of here. This is for adults. And if you’re an adult who is offended by “bad words,” you should leave too. There is going to be the use of a lot of bad words. Want an example? Cunt. I’m going to use cunt several times. Did that send you reaching for the Bible? Then go put on the 700 Club and jerk off to the thought of your preacher, OK?

So, unlike my friend Jayson Stark, this isn’t going to be some attempt to jack off as many guys as possible in one column. I mean, I like Jayson and everything, even if his shaving that cum mop of a mustache he had was the worst fucking idea ever,but Sigh Young? Eat shit.

Anyway, let’s do this.

N.L. Least Fucking Sad Player: Tough to say. There’s been a lot of gaping assholes stepping into the box this year. Looks like Ed Wade has put together another real fucking swell team there in Houston. How many great managers’ careers is that shitstain going to torpedo while he tries to find new and exciting ways to hike his pants to his armpits? And fucking-A, Philly … how many times have you been shut out this year? 20? Fucking unreal.

Well, anyone who has even sniffed a slit knows that the best fucking player in the N.L. is Martin Prado. He plays for the team with the best record, he fucking plays a real position (fuck you Pujols, Ethier and the rest of you puds who get to stand there jacking off for 90% of the game) and he is shorter than me. This used to be Utley’s prize, but apparently Charlie has totally fucking played him into the ground. Yeah, remember when I used to get shit for overusing my FUCKING BULLPEN IN PHILLY? But nooooooo, fucking Charlie tells some story about slapping around Billy Martin 40 years ago and gets a big fucking pass.

A.L. Least Fucking Sad Player: Let’s start with this: Fuck the Yankees. OK, as for the teams that didn’t fucking pass me up to be a manager when I should’ve been hired to take over for Torre, the Rangers are next-best. And the guy who makes that team is that freak Josh Hamilton. Tell you what: I respect a guy who not only survived shooting enough heroin to kill four members on the Rolling Stones, but goes out there and kicks the shit out of the ball afterward. Best performance by a crazed drug addict since Dave Fucking Parker.

N.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: Mark Reynolds is a pathetic bearded clam. Hit the fucking ball, you shit stain. Jesus Fucking Christ how can you strike out that much?

A.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: I don’t give a fuck if he is old and retired. If I caught you napping in the clubhouse, Ken Griffey Jr., I’d shave your balls with Torre’s nosehair trimmer and fucking glue that fucking hat on your head forward-facing.

N.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Don’t worry about why this award is named this. It just is. Anyway, let’s get this out of the way: It ain’t Roy Halladay. He lost seven games. And I don’t want to hear about why. He did. So just shut the fuck up, Wheels. This goes to Josh Johnson. Why? Well, that fucker just shoved it up our ass last week. What about Ubaldo Jimenez? Big fucking deal. We beat that slapdick when we saw him. And our team is a bunch of cum guzzling jackoffs. End of story.

A.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Do I have to give out this shit? I fucking hate pitchers. OK, well let’s just say Mariano Rivera. Because he’s the biggest freak I’ve ever fucking seen and might save 1,000 games. He’s a robot. Like that Terminator guy in that Short Circuit movie.

N.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Joe Blanton looks like he eats David Wells and shits Curt Schilling at every meal. Fucking slob. If only he could pitch like either of those guys. Do you know how fucking sad you have to be to win this over that scrotal louse Vicente Padilla in my book? That’s how sad. Way to go, chubby.

A.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Speaking of fat fucking failures who used to pitch in Philly: Kevin Millwood is almost as giant a waste of talent as Travis Fucking Lee. Let that settle in. God help Juan Samuel. The fucking Orioles are the L.A. Clippers of baseball. I wouldn’t even take that manager’s job (ok, I would. Fuck it.)

N.L. and A.L. Rookies of the Year: Carry my bag, you fucking twats. You don’t get a fucking award. You’re lucky you don’t have to wear a picture of your mouth stuffed with cocks on your sleeve. Pussies.

(Follow Larry FN Bowa on Twitter, jerkoff. @LarryFNBowa)

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