The Fightins » Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com R.I.P. Harry Kalas Sun, 03 Jul 2011 13:14:20 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 BREAKING: Jose Bautista Dead At Age 30 http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/breaking-jose-bautista-dead-at-age-30/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/breaking-jose-bautista-dead-at-age-30/#comments Sat, 02 Jul 2011 21:23:50 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=16380

Image definitely not doctored in any way. [Click to embiggen.]

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Open Game Thread: 7/1 Phillies vs. Blue Jays http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/open-game-thread-71-phillies-vs-blue-jays/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/open-game-thread-71-phillies-vs-blue-jays/#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2011 16:37:33 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=16337

1:07 PM on CSN and MLB Network

PITCHING MATCHUP:

Kyle Kendrick (4-4) 3.23 ERA

Phillies: Every time Kendrick pitches it makes me sad. So instead of posting a picture of him, I decided to upload this GIF of the Turk Dance. (Related: Click here for LOLs.) You are welcome for the in-depth baseball analysis.


Ricky Romero (7-7) 2.74 ERA

Blue Jays: A Blue Jay is a stupid mascot. “Oo, I’m a dumb bird and I fly around and eat worms and stuff.” Pfft, weak. If I owned the Blue Jays I’d change the name to something badass like “The Toronto Razorsharks,” or I’d move the team to Maui and name it “The Active Volcanoes,” because I’ve seen Dante’s Peak and volcanoes are terrifying. What I’m getting at is this: get your shit together, Toronto.

[as always, big-ups to Weems on the rush job Photoshop]

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FIGHTINS EXXXCLUSIVE HOLLYWOOD CASTING NEWS http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/fightins-exxxclusive-hollywood-casting-news/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/fightins-exxxclusive-hollywood-casting-news/#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 16:41:32 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=16006

As some of you may know, in addition to my occasional posts here at The Fightins, I also contribute to the film and television blogs at Uproxx (Film Drunk & Warming Glow, respectively). Through my work at those sites, I’ve developed some insider connections in the entertainment industry. My sources are mostly on the periphery, but every now and again they’ll tip me off to some big Hollywood news before it breaks in other media outlets. And hoo boy, do we have a doozy today.

According to my sources, Daniel Craig is OUT as James Bond. Apparently producers are planning a reboot of the legendary franchise, starting with the Sean Connery classic Goldfinger, and wanted to tap a new leading man for the process. The casting has been kept tightly under wraps to this point, but I’ve heard the higher-ups had reached out to bankable leading men like Ben Affleck, Clive Owen, and Sam Worthington. However, my sources are telling me they’ve settled on a more ethnically diverse newcomer in an attempt to drive up international sales.

Coming Summer 2012, Phillies catcher Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz is James Bond in… Colefingor:

[big-ass ups to Weems, for putting a rush job on my dumb idea from this morning and turning it into that kickass Photoshop]

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Never Ever Change, Philly.com http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/never-ever-change-philly-com/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/never-ever-change-philly-com/#comments Fri, 17 Jun 2011 15:16:27 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=15832

[deep breath]

LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL

[another deep breath]

LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL

It’s funny because he has one testicle, you guys.

[Philly.com]

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Open Game/Tailgate Thread 6/11: Phillies vs. Cubs http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/open-game-thread-611-phillies-vs-cubs/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/open-game-thread-611-phillies-vs-cubs/#comments Sat, 11 Jun 2011 16:15:01 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=15662


4:05 on FOX and MLB.TV

Note: Your usual open-thread overlords Chris and Ryan are at Fightins Tailgate 2: Tailgate Harder, along with Meech, ZWR, and all the other cool kids. I really wanted to be there, but I had prior obligations to do dork stuff with nerds. Maybe I’ll make it next year for Fightins Tailgate: Tokyo Drift.

But instead of wallowing in self-pity, let’s look at the bright side. With everybody away, we’ve got full run of this place today. Think of it like your parents went away, and I’m your cool older brother. Call your friends, get a couple kegs, and send someone on a run across the bridge to grab a handle of Everclear. Invite that one cute girl/guy. You know the one I’m talking about. Let’s burn this mother to the ground.

One rule: No screwing on my bed.

PITCHING MATCHUP

CLIFF LEE (5-5) 3.62 ERA

PHILLIES: Conservative statistical estimates for today’s game: Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 R, 0 H, -4 BB, 24 K. Dom Brown – 12-12, 15 HR, 34 RBI. Chooch – 8-8, 2 2B, 1 PreciousPostgameInterview.

MATT GARZA (2-5) 4.07 ERA

CUBS: Conservative statistical estimates for today’s game: Matt Garza – 1 IP, 1 Frillon R, Tenfinity H, Dozens BB, Pfft K. Starlin Castro – 0-3, 3 K, 1 LookLikeA12YearOld.

]]> http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/open-game-thread-611-phillies-vs-cubs/feed/ 36 Phillies High: The New Kid’s First Day http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/phillies-high-the-new-kids-first-day/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/phillies-high-the-new-kids-first-day/#comments Wed, 08 Jun 2011 16:40:21 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=15396

[Scene: In the Phillies High principal’s office, where Principal Charlie Manuel is sitting with a new student]

Principal Manuel: … and, y’know, it’s great to finally, daggum, like, have you up here in Phillies High and everything. Everyone’s, like, real excited to have you here, y’know.

Domonic “Dom” Brown: Aw man, I’m pumped to be here, too.

Principle Manuel: Ok, well, like, all that’s left now is for you to, y’know, sign some of this daggum paperwork, then we’ll have someone give you a tour.

Dom Brown: Sounds good.

[Principal Manuel hands Dom Brown a stack of paperwork, which Dom proceeds to hold two feet above his head while filling out]

Principal Manuel: What in the daggum hell are you doing?

Dom Brown: Um, filling out the paperwork?

Principal Manuel: Well, like, yeah, son… but why are you, uh, holding it two feet above your dang head?

Dom Brown: Aw man, I dunno. That’s the way I’ve always done it.

Principal Manuel: Well, like, why don’t you try, um, holding your dang hands lower, and write with the paper on the, y’know, desk and everything.

Dom Brown: [shrugs shoulders] Ok man, I’ll give it a try.

[Dom Brown starts filling out the paperwork with his hands held lower, but every time he tries to sign his name, he ends up writing “Wendell Magee, Jr.” instead]

Principal Manuel: Huh. Well that ain’t gonna daggum work. You know what? Just keep, like, writing with your hands, y’know, up wherever you want.

Dom Brown: [finishes up paperwork] Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

Principal Manuel: All right, now that that’s, y’know, like, outta the daggum way, I’ll just explain what we’re gonna, y’know, do with you during your first few weeks, then, daggum, like, we’ll get one of the other outfielders to give you a tour of the school. I’m gonna, like, try to ease you in to your, y’know studies, and-

[KNOCK KNOCK]

Principal Manuel: [shouting to the person at the door] One second! So, anyway, Dom… we’re gonna, like-

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

Principal Manuel: I said one second! Like, sorry about that, Dom. The plan is for us to, y’know, assign you a dang tutor and everything until you-

[KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK]

Principal Manuel: Oh God dangit. Come in.

Shane Victorino: HeyPrincipalManuelI’mHereToGiveTheNewKidATourLikeYouAsked. IsThatHimHolyCrapHe’sTallHeyNewKidYouKnowWhoElseIsTall?

Dom Brown: Uh, I du-

Shane Victorino: GIRAFFES! DoYouLikeGiraffesNewKidIBetYouPlayBasketball.

Dom Brown: Aw man. I played football for a while but I decided to focus on baseb-

Shane Victorino: OkCoolHeyPrincipalManuelDoYouWannaThumbWrestleOrTalkAboutDinosaurs OrListenToTechnoMusic?

Principal Manuel: No, Shane. Not even, y’know, a daggum little bit. Why don’t you, like, start showing Dom around.

Shane Victorino: OkLet’sGoNewKidI’mGonnaShowYouEverythingWeHaveASnackMachineFollowMe.

[Shane and Dom leave the principal’s office and begin a tour of the Phillies High campus. The tour ends after five minutes when Shane decides it would be fun to let the school’s pet rabbits loose, and then he runs off to chase after them. Dom begins wandering the hallways alone, where he runs into Chase Utley.]

Dom Brown: Aw man, you’re Chase Utley. Hi, I’m Dom Brown.

Chase Utley: [hands Dom a fungo bat] Hit me 5000 ground balls.

Dom Brown: Uh, what?

Chase Utley: [losing patience] I said “hit me 5000 ground balls.” I have to practice.

Dom Brown: Here? In the hallway?

Chase Utley: [yanks fungo bat back] Ugh. You’re useless. [Chase spots another student down the hall and starts walking toward him] HEY, YOU! STOP! Hit me grounders while not talking to me.

[Dom Brown shrugs and continues wandering the hallways alone until he comes across Jimmy Rollins and Carlos Ruiz putting “Chooch for Class President” fliers up on the bulletin board]

Jimmy Rollins: Hey, kid. You lost?

Dom Brown: Not really, man. I mean, maybe a little. It’s my first day and I’m just trying to figure out where the cafeteria is.

Jimmy Rollins: [eyes light up, nudges Chooch] Oh, the cafeteria? I can tell you where that is. It’s up on the 4th floor, right next to the pool.

Dom Brown: Uh… this school only has three floors. And there’s no pool.

Jimmy Rollins: [clearly snickering] No no, trust me. It’s totally up there next to the pool.

Dom Brown: Look man, I know you’re screwing with me. Can you just tell me where the caf-

Jimmy Rollins: THERE’S NO POOL IN HERE, STUPID ROOKIE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. You shoulda seen your face! Classic JRoll!

Dom Brown: Uh…

Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Donn listen to Yimmy Rollen, new keed. He juss trying to throw you a corfboll. Ann donn worry, eberyone get loss on their firss day. De cafeteria is down dees hall and to de leff. Horry up, becauss today is rabioli day.

Dom Brown: Aw man, I love ravioli.

Chooch: Ob course joo do! EBERYONE LOB RABIOLI! Dass why joo hab to horry! Once dey ron out of rabioli, all thass leff is Salsbory steak, and dass de worss.

Dom Brown: Oh crap. I’m on my way now.

Jimmy Rollins: [yelling after Dom Brown as he walks away] Yeah and the cafeteria lady’s name is, uh, Mrs. … Farty… fart…fart. Yeah, that’s it! Mrs. Fartyfartfart! Trust me. You have to call her that. She loves it! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. [to self] Still got it, Jimmy!

[Dom Brown goes to the cafeteria and gets his ravioli. He spots Cole Hamels, who has finally convinced the Peffercorn twins, Mandy and Candy, to sit with him at lunch.]

Dom Brown: Hey. Can I join you guys?

Cole Hamels: No.

Peffercorn twins: [in unison] Aw, be nice Cole. Of course you can join us.

Dom Brown: Thanks. It’s my first day, and I don’t really know anybody yet. Some kid named Shane was supposed to give me a tour, but he ran off and I haven’t seen him sinc-

[Just then, Shane Victorino sprints through the cafeteria holding two rabbits that he dressed up like Crockett and Tubbs for a game of "Miami Vice." It is unclear where he acquired rabbit clothes.]


Dom Brown: Does he always do that?

Mandy Peffercorn: Yeah, pretty much. Anyway, tell us about yourself, you handsome, tall drink of water.

Dom Brown: Aw man, like I was saying, I’m Dom and today’s my first day. I just got bumped up from Phillies Junior High.

Cole Hamels: Big deal. I won a World Series once.

Candy Peffercorn: [ignoring Cole] Oh wow. And you said you haven’t gotten a full tour of the school yet?

Dom Brown: Naw. I just kinda wandered around and got yelled at by Chase Utley.

Peffercorn twins: [in unison] Awww, poor baby. We’ll give you a tour!

Cole Hamels: Wait. You two said we were gonna go out behind the bleachers after lunch…

Mandy Peffercorn: [ignoring Cole] And maybe after school we can go back to our house.

Dom Brown: Whoa, that’s sounds great!

Cole Hamels: Hold on. I’m tall too, ladies. And I’m playing great this year! Can I come over, too?

Peffercorn twins: [in unison] Cole, would you be a dear and take all our trays up? Let’s go, Dom.

Cole Hamels: Oh, sarsparilla soda. Not again.

Candy Peffercorn: Oh, and did we mention… our parents never get home until real late, so we’ll have the house all to ourselves…


Danger Guerrero is a fancypants Philadelphia area law school graduate who has written for many impressive websites, including Warming Glow and Film Drunk. If you’d like to offer him a substantial amount of money to make cheap jokes at the expense of famous people, or just say hi, you can contact him on Twitter (@DangerGuerrero) or via email (DangerGuerrero [at] gmail [dot] com).

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An Important Public Service Announcement For Phillies Fans http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/an-important-public-service-announcement-for-phillies-fans/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/an-important-public-service-announcement-for-phillies-fans/#comments Mon, 16 May 2011 13:30:09 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=14854

Hi there, Fightins readers. I’m Danger Guerrero. You may know me around these parts from my Phillies High series of posts, where I draw doofy cartoons, imagine members of the Phillies as youthful caricatures of themselves, and make Carlos Ruiz say things in a delightfully stereotypical Spanish accent. Good, good times. But I come to you today with a more serious, personal message. Something has been weighing on me the last few weeks, and I need to get it off my chest. Please meet me after the jump, so I can deliver this very special public service announcement to you.

Shut up.

That’s pretty much the gist of it. Just shut up a little more. I’m not entirely sure when it happened, but at some point we, as a fanbase, became incredibly whiny. Nowhere is this more true than Twitter. Like a lot of you, I follow a pretty serious number of Phillies fans. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t check Twitter during the games that much anymore, lest I’m besieged with people Tweeting things about how “This team isn’t built to win!” or “Their record is a mirage,” or, my favorite, the sarcastic “Naturally (insert Phillies player) would (insert form of baseball related failure) in that spot!” I’m not going to name names, because I’m a goddamn gentleman, but let’s just say there are a lot of them, and some of the guilty parties may or may not be affiliated with certain prominent Phillies blogs that rhyme with “The Thightens.” (Shots fired! Kind of!) Of course, you could argue that if I don’t like it I could unfollow them, but that doesn’t solve the problem. Did Bruce Wayne just stop reading the crime section? No. And yes, in this analogy, I am Batman.

Pictured: The hero this fanbase needs.

The following things are true:

1) The Phillies have the best record in the National League.

2) Number one is true despite prominent playing time being given to people named Pete Orr, Wilson Valdez, Brian Schneider, and Ben Francisco.

3) Chase Utley, Brad Lidge, and top prospect Dom “Aw Man” Brown have not played an inning yet. (Note: Even though he’s periodically infuriating, having Lidge back at closer creates a domino effect that pushes Madson back the 8th, and Bastardo/Romero/Contreras back to the 7th and blah blah blah less Kyle Kendrick in meaningful spots. This is a good thing.)

4) Our rotation is twelve kinds of awesome with a ten-gallon hat on.

Seriously, next time you want to whine like a toddler, go back and read that list. Can you imagine how much other fanbases despise your complaining in the face of those four facts? Hell, just imagine how much your 2001 self would hate yourself now. A short trip in the Wayback Machine shows that the Phillies’ rotation that year consisted of Robert Person, Omar Daal, Randy Wolf, Dave Coggin, Bruce Chen, and something called an “Amaury Telemaco.” Yeesh. You know that guy who complains about the sound system in his brand new Porsche? You know how much you hate that guy? Because you’ve become him. Congratulations, you’re an asshole.

Knock it off or it's curtains for the puppy. You would be unwise to test me.

At this point, allow me to address a few counterarguments:

I can say what I want!

Yes, you can. But you’re an asshole and everyone hates you.

So, what? You’re saying I can’t complain about things that suck, or players that are underperforming?

No, of course not. Here, watch this: Ibanez is playing like a putz this year. See how I did that? That’s not whining. That’s objective analysis (sort of). I’m not a SABR pro or anything, but if I was I’d tell you his DeRP Max is an astonishing negative tenfinity.5 or something. But there’s a difference between saying he’s playing terribly/streakily, and lodging passive aggressive complaints every time he pops out.

But DG! The offense! AAARRRGGHHHH

Good point. Allow me this rebuttal: So? Who cares how many runs the offense scores as long as the team is winning games? See fact number four, above. Naturally I’d love it if the team scored eight runs a game and Shane Victorino never swung at a first pitch immediately after a four-pitch walk. But this is the point of having such a good staff. Some teams win games 10-8, others win them 3-2. Just a different style of baseball. It may not be as exciting as watching red and white blurs circling the bases, but it’s a W. And, again, there’s a giant hole in the middle of the lineup that plays the game “the right way” and sounds a lot like the intro to “Kashmir.” Cool out, babies.

In conclusion, going forward, try to knock it off a little. I don’t think you realize how good we as a fanbase have it. Go look at the rosters of some other teams. Really, go. (Note: Please do not go. I’m almost done.) I understand no one likes it when their team loses games, but for the love of God, have some self respect. Look at the big picture. If you do want to lodge a complaint, make it a new, novel one. Trust me, the rest of us can do without your shocking revelation that Ryan Howard sometimes looks like a boob when he flails at an outside slider.

So, if you still feel the urge to rush to Twitter to type something like “NATURALLY! Of course Ibanez would ground into a double play here,” even after my plea/puppy threat, try this: step away from the computer, take a deep breath, and hold it until you pass out.

Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

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Phillies High: Chase Just Wants To Play http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/phillies-high-chase-just-wants-to-play/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/phillies-high-chase-just-wants-to-play/#comments Mon, 09 May 2011 16:30:30 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=14541

[Scene: In the Phillies High nurse's office, where Chase Utley and Carlos "Chooch" Ruiz are waiting for the nurse to return.]

Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Ow! Ow! I hab tweaked my back! Everything hort! Breathing hort. Sleeping hort. Beisbol hort. Ees de worssss!

Chase Utley: I’m sorry to hear that.

Chooch: Ees so much pain, Chase Otley! Joo can’t eben imagine!

Chase Utley: Sounds terrible.

Chooch: What about joo? What bring joo to de norse office?

Chase Utley: I’m fine.

Chooch: If joo are fine, why are joo here in the norse office?

Chase Utley: Principal Manuel says I can’t play baseball until the nurse signs my clearance.

Chooch: Oh. Hey wait, are joo bleeding?

Chase Utley: I guess.

Chooch: Are those bollet wounds?!

Chase Utley: Yep.

Chooch: What happen?!

Chase Utley: I’m fine.

Chooch: Chase, joo hab been chot! Joo are bleeding eberywhere! [looks closely at Chase’s abdominal wound] I CAN SEE JOUR LIBBER!

Chase Utley: [narrows eyes] I said I’m fine.

Chooch: I don know, Chase. It looks bad.

[A pineapple scented gust blows through room. Shane Victorino suddenly appears on the next table.]

Chooch: Oh hey, Chane Bictorino!

Shane Victorino: HeyChoochHeyChaseWhat’sUpYouGuysWhere’sTheNurseHolyCrapChaseIsBleeding. GuessWhatIHadForLunchTodayCHICKENFINGERS!

Chooch: I love chicken fingers!

Shane: IKnowThey’reTheBestEspeciallyWithHoneyMustard. IWonderWhoInventedHoneyMustand’CauseIt’sLikeHeyThisMustardIsGoodButNowIt’sBetter.

Chooch: Si, onney mussarr is de bess. But why are joo here in the norse office?

Shane: OhManDidn’tYouHearIHaveADDThat’sTheThingThatMagicJohnsonAndTomHanksDiedOf!

Chooch: OH NO, NOT MAGIC YOHNSON! [blesses self]

Chase Utley: [holding six feet of his intestines in his right arm] Hold on, idiot. First of all, Magic Johnson and Tom Hanks are still alive. Second of all, you’re thinking of AIDS, which none of you have. Magic Johnson has HIV, Tom Hanks played a character who had AIDS in a movie that came out like 20 years ago, and you have ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. It just means you have trouble concetra-

Shane Victorino: WhoWantsToHaveAStaringContestChoochLet’sGo123GO!

[Chooch and Shane lock eyes, Shane looks away in 0.0000001 seconds]

Shane Victorino: OhManYouGotMeThatTimeChooch. YouShouldBeOnThePanamanianStaringContestOlympicTeamOrSomething.

Chooch: Good idea, Chane! Oh hey, here comes Norse Yennifer!

Nurse Jennifer: Sorry to keep you waiting, guys. It’s been a crazy day. What seems to be the problem?

Chooch: I hab tweaked my back, Chase has been chot, and Chane is dying of AIDS.

Shane: YeahLikeTomHanksInThatMovieTurnerAndHoochDoYouThinkTheDogDiedOfAIDSIBetHeDid.

Nurse Jennifer: Shane. For the last time, you aren’t dying of AIDS. And Tom Hanks only had AIDS in the movie Philadelphia, which should be easy for you to remember since it is the city you currently live in. You have ADD… Attention Deficit Disorder. It means your brain has a hard time staying focused on one topi-

Shane: ICanHoldMyBreathFor90SecondsWannaSee?!

[Shane takes a deep breath, holds it in for two seconds, then exhales]

Shane: HolyCrapLookAtChaseHisLegFellOff!

Chase Utley: [reattaching his own leg with an ACE bandage] I’m fine.

Nurse Jennifer: Ok guys, I need to deal with Chase. Shane, this is your dose of Ritalin. This will help you calm down. And Carlos, I’ll give you two Extra Strength Tylenol for your back. You just need to rest it. If it’s not better in a few days, just let me know.

Chooch: Gracias, Norse Yennifer! Adios. Feel better, Chase!

[A girl with a low-cut, sparkly top walks by. Shane disappears after her in a flash, leaving only his faint calls of “HiI’mShaneIHaveAIDSLikeBoyzIIMenInThatSongMotownphilly. MyFavoriteMovieIsFastFiveCuzTheCarsAreAllVroomIDriveAHonda,” as he chases after her]

Nurse Jennifer: Ok, Chase. Let’s get a look at that wound. Why don’t you take your shirt off?

Chase Utley: I’m fine.

Nurse Jennifer: Chase. I can see you’re bleeding. Go ahead and get the shirt off, and I’ll grab some gauze.

[Nurse Jennifer closes the door]

Nurse Jennifer: Such a nice day today. You don’t mind if a take off my lab coat, do you?

Chase Utley: Whatever. Can I leave now?

Nurse Jennifer: [begins cleaning out the wound] This’ll just take a minute, Chase. After all, you’re so strong and tough. And mature. Not like the other boys in this school. I bet the girls go crazy for you.

Chase Utley: I have a girlfriend. Her name is Jen, too. She likes animals.

Nurse Jennifer: Animals, huh? Do you like animals, Chase?

Chase Utley: Sure.

Nurse Jennifer: Because I can be a bit of a wildcat.

Free Image Hosting

[Nurse Jennifer reaches down the front of Chase’s pants]

Chase Utley: Whoa, what are you doing?

Nurse Jennifer: Oh come on, Chase. I know you like me. You’re always hurting yourself and coming down here to see me. Your wrist, your broken hand, your knee, and now this silly gunshot wound. I know what you’re up to. Tell me you can’t feel the chemistry between us.

Chase Utley: [performs tracheotomy on self with tongue depressor] I just like playing baseball, lady. I get hurt a lot because I play it “the right way“. And for the last time, I’m fine.

Nurse Jennifer: [purring like a kitten] You sure are.

Chase Utley: Look, here’s the deal. You tell Principal Manuel and Superintendent Amaro that I’m healthy enough to play baseball again, or I’m telling everyone you grabbed my junk and tried to seduce me.

Nurse Jennifer: WHAT?! You wouldn’t…

Chase Utley: Yes, I would. Maybe you didn’t hear me say this the first time. I. Like. Playing. Baseball. And neither you, nor tendinitis, nor a stupid gunshot wound is going to stop me. Now sign this clearance so I can go take batting practice.

Nurse Jennifer: [signing paper] But, Chase… I… I love you.

Chase Utley: [puts on sunglasses, begins walking out of the nurse's office, then turns around on his way out the door]…

[big ups to @petzrawr for the sexy nurse GIF]

Danger Guerrero is a fancypants Philadelphia area law student who has written for many impressive websites, including Warming Glow and Film Drunk. If you’d like to offer him a substantial amount of money to make cheap jokes at the expense of famous people, or just say hi, you can contact him on Twitter (@DangerGuerrero) or via email (DangerGuerrero [at] gmail [dot] com).

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Phillies High: Cole & Joe Have A Sad http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/phillies-high-cole-joe-have-a-sad/ http://www.thefightins.com/danger-guerrero/phillies-high-cole-joe-have-a-sad/#comments Mon, 25 Apr 2011 13:30:55 +0000 Danger Guerrero http://www.thefightins.com/?p=13962

[Scene: Lunchtime in the Phillies High Cafeteria, at what used to be “the cool table,” where Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, and Carlos Ruiz are enjoying pizza Friday.]


Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Wass de matter, Goal Ammall? Why joo look so sad?

Cole Hamels: It’s just not fair, Chooch.

Chooch: Wass no fair?

Joe Blanton: [behind tray piled high with food] Cole and I were just talking about how WE played huge roles on a World Series winning team, and now all anyone wants to talk about is… those other guys.

Chooch: Weech other guys, Yoe Blanton?

Cole: You know who we mean, Chooch. The Roys, and Cliff Lee. I mean, what have they ever done? Sure Big Roy pitched a no-hitter last year-

Chooch: Two no-hitters. And one perfecto!

Cole: [sighs] Right, two no-hitters. And I know he won the Cy Young last year too, but, golly, I was the sugar-coating World Series MVP! And Joe hit a home run! And now what are we, chopped liver?

Joe: [chewing on his fourth piece of rectangle pizza] Yeah!

Chooch: Aw, donn be sad, Goal Ammall y Yoe Blanton. Joo guys are still great. Goal, everyone says joo are one of de Quatro Aces! And Yoe… joo… uh… the bertical stripes on jour yersey are bery slimming!

Joe: [submerges 25 tater tots in bowl full of ranch dressing, eats it like soup] Thanks, Chooch. That’s why I started wearing it even when we don’t have games. I’m really sensitive about my weight.

Cole: It’s just… it’s not the same, Chooch. I mean, snickerdoodles, guys. What’s the point of being an “ace” if you’re actually a number four starter? I’m just as good as those guys… … hey, what’s that?

[The cafeteria begins stirring. Cole, Joe, and Chooch turn toward around to see what the commotion is.]

Cole: Oh, great. Them.

Roy “Big Roy” Halladay: … and then I said, “Don’t worry, guys. It’ll work. Kelli’s as easy as facing the Mets on full rest.”

Cliff Lee: [chews gum, silently raises quizzical eyebrow]

Roy “Little Roy” Oswalt: Yeah, Big Roy. AND?

Big Roy: Who are we talking about here, boys? I’m Big Roy. Of course it worked.

Little Roy: Oh wow Big Roy. I never doubted you. You’re the king!

Cliff Lee: [chews gum, nods affirmatively]

Big Roy: Oh hey, look. It’s Cole, Joe, and Chooch. Sup fellas?

Cole: [annoyed] Hi Roy.

Big Roy: Hey, where are your letterman jackets, guys? Aren’t they sweet?

Little Roy: Yeah, aren’t they sweet?

Joe: [eating a sandwich made of an oatmeal cream pie between two honey buns] What letterman jackets? No one told us about any letterman jackets.

Big Roy: Oh, that’s right. Superintendent Amaro said they were only giving them out to the top three starters this year. Sorry, guys.

Little Roy: [laughing like a weasel] Haha, yeah sorry, guys.

Cole: Come on, Roy. We know you guys are great. There’s no need to rub it in. Besides… Joe and I were just talking about something. If you guys are so great, why don’t you have any World Series rings?

[Cafeteria goes silent]

Cliff Lee: [stops chewing gum, narrows eyes]

Little Roy: Wha-what did you say, pee-drinking crapface?

Big Roy: Whoa whoa. Ease up, fellas. Cole has a point. I mean, we have some nice hardware, and these sweet letterman jackets, and the love and adoration of everyone in school – especially the ladies…

Little Roy: Haha, yeah, Big Roy. The ladies

Big Roy: … but Cole and Joe deserve more respect for what they did before we came to Phillies High. It’s only fair. I’ll tell you what: Cliff, Little Roy, and I were just about to ditch 5th period and head down to the beach in my new Jeep. You guys should come with us. Some beerskis, some broskis, some rays… what do you say? No hard feelings?

Cole: Th-thanks, Roy. But I don’t know if we should be skipping class, though.

Chooch: Oh, come on, Goal. Joo should go. Joo deserve it after bitching so well lately. Joo too, Yoe.

Joe: [washing down meal with heavy cream] You’re right, Chooch. Let’s do it!

Cole: Ok, but if Principal Manuel catches us, you guys have to tell him it was your idea.

Big Roy: Relax, Cole. You need to cut loose a little.

[In parking lot]

Big Roy: Alright guys, everyone in. This is gonna be epic! SENIORS RULE!

Female Voices: [in unison] Hi, guys.

Little Roy: Holy crap, Big Roy. It’s the Peffercorn twins!

Peffercorn twins: [again in unison] Where ya guys goin?

Cole: Big Roy is taking us all to the beach! It’s gonna be the coolest!

Chooch: Si, de cooless!

Peffercorn twins: Wow, we wanna go to the beach, too! Can you guys take us with you? We need to work on our tans!

Big Roy: Well, the Jeep can’t fit more than six. It’s stuffed with beer, and we’ve already got me, Little Roy, Cliff, Cole, Joe, and Chooch.

Peffercorn twins: [making sad puppy dog faces] Aw… and we were just talking about how crazy it would be if we went topless at the beach sometime….

Cliff Lee: [raises eyebrows, begins chewing gum rapidly]

Big Roy: Oh, I think we can work something out…

Danger Guerrero is a fancypants Philadelphia area law student who has written for many impressive websites, including Warming Glow and Film Drunk. If you’d like to offer him a substantial amount of money to make cheap jokes at the expense of famous people, or just say hi, you can contact him on Twitter (@DangerGuerrero) or via email (DangerGuerrero [at] gmail [dot] com).

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