The Fightins'

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Jul
02
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 5:23 pm ET 7 Comments


Image definitely not doctored in any way. [Click to embiggen.]

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Jul
01
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:37 pm ET 31 Comments


1:07 PM on CSN and MLB Network

PITCHING MATCHUP:

Kyle Kendrick (4-4) 3.23 ERA

Phillies: Every time Kendrick pitches it makes me sad. So instead of posting a picture of him, I decided to upload this GIF of the Turk Dance. (Related: Click here for LOLs.) You are welcome for the in-depth baseball analysis.


Ricky Romero (7-7) 2.74 ERA

Blue Jays: A Blue Jay is a stupid mascot. “Oo, I’m a dumb bird and I fly around and eat worms and stuff.” Pfft, weak. If I owned the Blue Jays I’d change the name to something badass like “The Toronto Razorsharks,” or I’d move the team to Maui and name it “The Active Volcanoes,” because I’ve seen Dante’s Peak and volcanoes are terrifying. What I’m getting at is this: get your shit together, Toronto.

[as always, big-ups to Weems on the rush job Photoshop]

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Jun
24
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:41 pm ET 11 Comments

As some of you may know, in addition to my occasional posts here at The Fightins, I also contribute to the film and television blogs at Uproxx (Film Drunk & Warming Glow, respectively). Through my work at those sites, I’ve developed some insider connections in the entertainment industry. My sources are mostly on the periphery, but every now and again they’ll tip me off to some big Hollywood news before it breaks in other media outlets. And hoo boy, do we have a doozy today.

According to my sources, Daniel Craig is OUT as James Bond. Apparently producers are planning a reboot of the legendary franchise, starting with the Sean Connery classic Goldfinger, and wanted to tap a new leading man for the process. The casting has been kept tightly under wraps to this point, but I’ve heard the higher-ups had reached out to bankable leading men like Ben Affleck, Clive Owen, and Sam Worthington. However, my sources are telling me they’ve settled on a more ethnically diverse newcomer in an attempt to drive up international sales.

Coming Summer 2012, Phillies catcher Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz is James Bond in… Colefingor:

[big-ass ups to Weems, for putting a rush job on my dumb idea from this morning and turning it into that kickass Photoshop]

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Jun
17
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 11:16 am ET 17 Comments

[deep breath]

LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL

[another deep breath]

LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOL LOLLOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL LOLLOL

It’s funny because he has one testicle, you guys.

[Philly.com]

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Jun
11
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:15 pm ET 36 Comments


4:05 on FOX and MLB.TV

Note: Your usual open-thread overlords Chris and Ryan are at Fightins Tailgate 2: Tailgate Harder, along with Meech, ZWR, and all the other cool kids. I really wanted to be there, but I had prior obligations to do dork stuff with nerds. Maybe I’ll make it next year for Fightins Tailgate: Tokyo Drift.

But instead of wallowing in self-pity, let’s look at the bright side. With everybody away, we’ve got full run of this place today. Think of it like your parents went away, and I’m your cool older brother. Call your friends, get a couple kegs, and send someone on a run across the bridge to grab a handle of Everclear. Invite that one cute girl/guy. You know the one I’m talking about. Let’s burn this mother to the ground.

One rule: No screwing on my bed.

PITCHING MATCHUP

CLIFF LEE (5-5) 3.62 ERA

PHILLIES: Conservative statistical estimates for today’s game: Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 R, 0 H, -4 BB, 24 K. Dom Brown – 12-12, 15 HR, 34 RBI. Chooch – 8-8, 2 2B, 1 PreciousPostgameInterview.

MATT GARZA (2-5) 4.07 ERA

CUBS: Conservative statistical estimates for today’s game: Matt Garza – 1 IP, 1 Frillon R, Tenfinity H, Dozens BB, Pfft K. Starlin Castro – 0-3, 3 K, 1 LookLikeA12YearOld.

Jun
08
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:40 pm ET 36 Comments

[Scene: In the Phillies High principal’s office, where Principal Charlie Manuel is sitting with a new student]

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May
16
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 9:30 am ET 79 Comments

Hi there, Fightins readers. I’m Danger Guerrero. You may know me around these parts from my Phillies High series of posts, where I draw doofy cartoons, imagine members of the Phillies as youthful caricatures of themselves, and make Carlos Ruiz say things in a delightfully stereotypical Spanish accent. Good, good times. But I come to you today with a more serious, personal message. Something has been weighing on me the last few weeks, and I need to get it off my chest. Please meet me after the jump, so I can deliver this very special public service announcement to you.

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May
09
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:30 pm ET 54 Comments

[Scene: In the Phillies High nurse's office, where Chase Utley and Carlos "Chooch" Ruiz are waiting for the nurse to return.]

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Apr
25
2011
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 9:30 am ET 84 Comments

[Scene: Lunchtime in the Phillies High Cafeteria, at what used to be “the cool table,” where Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, and Carlos Ruiz are enjoying pizza Friday.]

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Written by Danger Guerrero

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