The Fightins'

Author Archive

Posted by at 2:13 pm ET 127 Comments

Last night’s thriller was a thing of beauty for a number of reasons. The first reason, of course, was that the Phillies won. The second was that the Mets lost (and were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs). The third reason was the joy of watching an honest-to-God pitching duel between two formidable players, one of whom has for several years been considered long past his prime.
To me, nothing beats a low-scoring game in baseball. High scores are great if you’re watching football, but a 14-13 final in baseball implies a degree of defensive sloppiness, and I watch baseball for the defense. (Yes, I recognize the irony of writing that as a fan of a team that is one of the most prolifically-scoring teams in the majors. Still…)
As a game like the one last night unfolds, a palpable tension begins to permeate the game and affects everyone involved, both players and fans. The margin for error is razor-thin. Every play is magnified; each strike, each out, each error and base hit looms larger in context. It’s like watching a three-hour game of chicken. Which side will crack first? How long can this nearly-flawless combination of pitching and defense hold out simultaneously for both teams?
First, Tim Redding deserves respect for what would on most nights be considered a sure-fire winning effort. He is a bane on the mound when he faces the Phillies, and I for one am happy Redding plays for a team they will not have to face in the playoffs. Moving on…
Pedro Martinez threw 130(!) pitches last night. He lasted eight innings, surrendered just six hits, and did not allow a single runner to cross the plate. That’s pretty god-damned difficult to do, whether you’re in the fifth season of your career, or your fifteenth. Madson came out in the ninth and did a good job of nailing down the victory in a situation when many fans have been developing severe ulcers.
Ah, the Phillies bullpen. Considering how poorly they’ve performed recently, you would think such a game was no longer possible. But recall the recent home series against the Giants. The Phillies scored just three runs in three games, and yet they won the series, so the possibility is there. (Granted, the first victory was a 1-0 complete game shutout courtesy of Cole Hamels.)
This makes seven straight winning seasons for the Fightins, who have not finished under .500 since going 80-81 in 2002. If they were to play .500 ball from this point forward, they would finish with the exact same record they had last year when they successfully defended their division title. They have one more brutal stretch — a ten-game road trip that includes stops at rivals Atlanta and Florida — before ending the season at home with a four-game revenge series against Houston and three final games against Florida, which by then (we hope) may have nothing left to play for.
Of course, if the Phillies haven’t clinched the division by the time they come home to face Houston, we might have to deal with a few more nail-biters. But that’s what makes baseball fun to watch, right? At least in the National League.

Posted by at 10:22 pm ET 14 Comments


Love, The Fightins

Posted by at 7:09 pm ET 40 Comments

highlivin_brett.jpgHey, Brett here. Just sitting around, recouping from my surgery. Tell you what, it’s rare that a professional ball player like Yours Truly can take an extended period of time off during the regular season and spend that time reconnecting with his loved ones.

God-DAMN, was I bored.

Couldn’t hunt. Couldn’t fish. Couldn’t even take a playful swing at the missus without losing my damn balance and falling gut-first on the coffee table. I must have watched every single episode of “RAW” I recorded on our DVR for the last three months. Every single episode. Twice.

I was going out of my friggin’ mind.

Then one day I’m flipping around the ol’ satellite channels when I see this hefty-looking black chick yammering away about something called a “va-jay-jay.” Now, I don’t what the hell a va-jay-jay is, but all those women sitting up in the audience sure as hell knew. They started hooting and hollering like a pack of banshees. I was about to turn off Madame Claptrap and fall asleep, when my weaker half runs into the room asking me to keep this nonsense on. Whatever.

Then this “Okra” somebody holds up a book — you know, one of those New Age-looking, super-thick sumbitches. She tells her audience what a great read this thing is, and how it’s changed her life, blah blah blibbity blah. Get this: My wife, without missing a beat, starts writing down the title of the book, like she’s getting ready to run out and buy it that instant before she forgets.

“You can’t read,” I say lovingly.

“For the last time, Brett, I am in fact able to read,” you-know-who chirps. “I just wait until you’re asleep, so you won’t ask me to fix you a sandwich or hike up my nightgown and roll onto my side while I’m in the middle of a chapter.” Well, lah-dee-freakin’-dah, Mrs. Einstein!

Read more »

Posted by at 5:37 pm ET 10 Comments

jeffreyross_roast.jpgLadies and gentlemen, tonight we are here to honor a man who probably doesn’t know where he is right now.

This has been quite a year for you, Jamie! I can remember you telling me how happy you were to receive an honorary doctorate from Holy Family, because you’d actually met them in person once.

By the way, we tried to bring back some of your childhood friends, but our shovels kept breaking.

Some of you may not have noticed, but Jamie has widened his pitching stance considerably over the last few years. Not to increase his speed from the mound, mind you, but to keep from accidentally stepping on his balls.

Jamie loves to entertain his teammates with stories about when he was a boy. His favorite one is the time he finished his homework early so he could stay up and watch the Big Bang. Jamie’s so old he used to babysit Charlemagne. He’s still wondering when they let “Negroes” into the league.

Before coming to Philly, Jamie spent most of his career in Seattle. That was the joke.

Jamie was the last player on the Phillies to get his World Series bonus because he asked for it in coupons.

Something you may be surprised to learn is that Jamie’s favorite television program is “90210,” because it reminds him of how many people were on the planet when he starting playing baseball.

Now Jamie, I know you would like nothing better than to come up here and teach me a lesson for mocking your age, but it’s after 7:00 and I know you’re getting sleepy. That would also explain some of your recent starts.

I know I shouldn’t make fun of a guy who just celebrated winning his 250th game, but it’s not like he’s going to remember any of this tomorrow, so… Congratulations, you old fuck! Thank you and good night.

Posted by at 10:55 pm ET 24 Comments

CC_747319.jpgAs of May 25 prospect Carlos Carrasco, the much-honored and hyper-hyped right-hander, expected to hurl his change-ups behind Cole Hamels in the 2009 starting rotation, is now 0-6 with a 5.81 ERA for the Lehigh Valley IronPigs.

Of the four pitchers in Lehigh Valley’s rotation with 7 or more starts, Carrasco is the only one without a win. However, he has also struck out the most batters (52), far and away the most of any other pitcher on the IronPigs, with a strikeout-to-walk ratio of 4:1.

Carrasco has pitched the most innings (48). He has surrendered only 4 home runs, but at the same time Carrasco has allowed 57 hits which is, again, by far the most of any other starting pitcher on the team. Opposing batters are hitting .288 against him.

In Carrasco’s defense, Sunday’s 6-2 loss to the Durham Bulls was not entirely his fault. The IronPigs could muster only two runs during his 6 2/3 innings on the mound, and reliever Sergio Escalona surrendered three of Durham’s six total runs in the ninth inning alone.

So is it a lack of run support? In Carrasco’s nine starts since April 10, the IronPigs have scored more than four runs only once, in a 6-5 loss to Toledo. In his first official loss, coming April 21 against Syracuse, Lehigh Valley scored just once before losing by two. (Carrasco struck out 10 batters in that game.)

Still, a 5.81 ERA does not absolve any pitcher from blame for a winless record. While leading the team in strikeouts and fewest home runs surrendered, Carrasco’s current demise appears to be death by a thousand cuts. Smallball is now his greatest foe. Why gamble and swing for the fences, his opponents might say, when we can methodically single and double our way to victory?

At 16-27 the IronPigs are a struggling team from top to bottom. But Carrasco’s struggles stand out the most because of his prophesized greatness. Only he, and the coaches responsible for his development, can decide if Carrasco is capable of living up to his potential, finally earning his spot behind King Cole in the Phillies’ major-league rotation.

Posted by at 6:16 pm ET 5 Comments

On May 2, 2008, I received an email that would forever change my life.

Entitled “*wE can make yr pen1s HUGE!!1!*”, it promised me an end to years of embarrassment in the bedroom. Thanks to a breakthrough drug manufactured in pill form by a Stockholm lab specializing in sexual dysfunction, I could possess a rock-hard schwanzstucker the likes of which are easily mistaken for the columns supporting the Parthenon.

Right after that message, however, was one from a guy calling himself “Meech” (condensed and with comments):

Listen, I’ve been thinking about branching off from B&C (read: leaving) for a little while now to start up a separate Phillies blog to post my nonsense on.  I’ve somehow built up a nice little following over there and think a move to do a B&C spinoff could work nicely….

[D]o you think you would have any interest (even the slightest?) of being a part of it?  Not like “guest blogger Chamo” or anything, more like “co-author Chamo” or “A Phillies blog by & Chamomiles Davis.  Shit, I’m so ego-less, I’d even give you top billing: Chamomiles Davis & [I've been meaning to discuss that one with you, boss]

(…)And try not to worry about time constraints [Obviously, I didn't] …  If you can’t write for a week, oh well, you can’t write [If only he knew...] — I’m gonna be doing my best to put up at least one post a day, so there will always be something new there…

I hope this piqued your interest somewhat.  ([BTW], I’m not going for generic blog with gratuitous shots of Erin Andrews that just caters towards other bloggers.  I’d rather have a steady, built-in readership.) [Who'd rather see Katy Perry's tits -- God bless you, Howdy.]

Get back to me when you get a chance,

I did (eventually), and the opportunity to expound beyond the limits of a commenting window was simply too tempting to resist.

Much like a one year-old child, this site requires constant love and attention. Another similarity is that we are always running into walls and shitting our pants. (Mostly Dash, but he has very real, serious issues with incontinence and vertigo, so I’ll thank you not to make fun of him.)

I am honored to be among a group of such talented and demented minds. Our mutual passion for the Phillies brought us here, and the challenge to come up with fresh, funny material keeps the gears of this particular blogging device greased and merrily rolling along.

It never ceases to amaze me how much this site has grown, and continues to grow, over the last 12 months. If only I could say the same about my tiny, tiny cock.


Posted by at 11:07 pm ET 3 Comments
  • Fuck your wife. If you’re not married, fuck someone else’s.
  • As per Cal in The Forty Year-Old Virgin, take three Excedrin PM’s and try to jack off before you fall asleep. Either way, you’re a winner!
  • Sit on your hand, wait for it to fall asleep, then pick your nose. I call it, “The Stranger.”
  • (What do you mean, that name’s taken? Shit!)
  • Think of every witty remark you wish you had said to anyone who picked on you in school. Then get into your car and scream each one randomly at people you drive by.
  • Think of how many trees are benefitting from the rain which has delayed your precious Phillies game. Once finished, go out and kick a puppy while yelling, “FUCK YOU, TREES!”
  • Dial numbers in random order on your phone until you reach the Mets’ ticket office. Tell them you wish to purchase every available seat in Citi Field for their next home game adding, “Just send the bill to Mr. Steinbrenner.”
  • Ron Jeremy was able to do it. See if you are, too. You know what I’m talking about.
  • Go outside, look up into the heavens. Scream at God Almighty to “stop being such an asshole.”
  • Two words: Macrame. Leotards. Nobody has to know.
  • Get high, drunk, or join a cult. Either way you’ll wake up tomorrow morning, wondering “What the fuck did I do last night?” You won’t even care if the Phillies won (which they did).
Posted by at 9:58 am ET 16 Comments


Greetings, Holy Family faculty, parents, and Class of 2009. I am truly honored to speak at this year’s commencement. Just look at all those promising young faces out there. You know, back when I was a child, Catholics weren’t allowed to attend college. Especially the Irish Catholics.

People ask me, “Jamie, what’s the secret to a long and successful career?” I tell them, “Make friends with Pat Gillick. He’s the only GM I know who drafts out of retirement communities.”

“Retirement communities.”

The card says “pause for laughter,” but I guess that only applies if I hear any. Moving on…

I’m trying to keep this speech short, like my recent starts. I guess that means Clay Condrey’s up next. Try not to snicker when he speaks. He’s from the South; they all sound like that.

My wife and I are the proud parents of seven children, and we’ve raised over $17 million through our organization to benefit several children’s charities across the country and around the world. Yet I still get booed when my fastball doesn’t top 82 miles per hour. There’s just no pleasing some people.

I guess that’s my point: As you go through life, you will learn that you can’t make everyone happy, but that doesn’t mean you stop trying. Always strive to do your best. Give back to the community. And work on your fastball. Good luck and God bless!

Posted by at 2:41 pm ET 4 Comments

pr_ozark.gifFormer Phillies manager Danny Ozark is dead at the age of 85, according to an article on Ozark may best be remembered as the only manager in the history of Phillies baseball to coach the Fightins to 100 victories.

In fact, the man who was born Daniel Leonard Orzechowski accomplished this feat twice in back-to-back seasons (1976, ’77). Consider that just four seasons earlier, the Phillies had nearly lost 100 games.

Following three straight consecutive NLCS losses between 1976 and 1978, Ozark was fired in the middle of a disappointing 1979 season — replaced by Dallas Green –, and so never got to experience firsthand the pinnacle of Philadelphia’s resurgence as a baseball powerhouse when they won the World Series in 1980.

Ozark briefly returned to managing in 1982 in a 56-game stint with the Giants, but never helmed another dugout again after that. According to ESPN’s article, Ozark is survived by his wife, Ginny, two children and three grandchildren. Funeral arrangements are pending.

Danny Ozark’s Managerial Record []

Posted by at 2:31 pm ET 11 Comments

First, I’d like to apologize for yet another extended and unexplained absence. Well, unexplained until now: you see, our Fearless Leader King Meech of Meechstonia bravely took it upon himself to rescue me — Steve Zissou-style — from the clutches of Somali pirates.

At the risk of placing myself in a new realm of life-threatening danger, I know the truth about how that ship’s captain from Maine was really rescued. It involved the U.S. Navy abducting an innocent-looking citizen (Yours Truly), dressing said citizen in a long, concealing burqa, and offering “her” to the pirates as a virgin in exchange for the captain’s safe return.

After two weeks and several painful sessions of attempted “deflowering,” the brave crew of the U.S.S. Fightins saved me and brought me back to the arms of my loving family. Now, I can resume in earnest my favorite hobby: writing for this beloved blog.

(Oh, and to a certain branch of the Armed Forces: I know who I’ll be rooting for at the next Army-Navy Game, you deck-swabbing bastards! I mean that from the bottom of my torn and bleeding rectum.)

And now, on to the story at hand…

wtf.jpgApparently our beloved Latino southpaw J.C. Romero is not taking his suspension lying down. He’s suing the maker of that 6-OXO Extreme, who just happened to be one of the infamous BALCO crew that served time in jail.

Romero tested positive for andro after using 6-OXO, even though the new shit wasn’t supposed to contain the old shit. According to the article, J.C. researched the supplement, which he purchased over the counter at GNC and The Vitamin Shoppe, and satisfied himself that it did not contain any banned substances.

On a side note, I often satisfy myself doing research, so long as that research involves Penthouse Pets.

Written by


Visit The Fightins Store
Friends of the Fightins:


R.I.P Harry Kalas