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Posted by at 7:18 pm ET 5 Comments

Score tied at 4 after three innings.

The Phils scored four runs… off of one hit. There’s something you don’t see everyday.

If I have time I’ll have to do some research and find the game in which the Phillies scored the most runs off of the fewest hits. Were there any games where they scored runs without a single hit? They’ve played almost 19,000 games, so it must have happened at least once, right?

Posted by at 6:07 pm ET 0 Comments

The Rockies are in town, for the first time since sweeping the local boys in last year’s playoffs, and they are hurtin’ for certain. Tulowisky, Holliday and Hawpe are all sidelined. The Phils are without Jayson Werth for close to a fortnight longer, but they’re nowhere near the collection of walking wounded that constitutes 20-30 Colorado these days.

As we’re counting our blessings for that, let’s also thank the scheduling gods that the Phils don’t have to face Aaron Cook (7-3, 2.82) in this series. Instead they get:

De La Rosa (7.78, 1-2)
Jimenez (4.61, 1-4)
Reynolds (4.08, 0-1)

Of course, Reynolds is facing Eaton (5.37, 0-3), so I guess that’s a wash.

Posted by at 5:17 pm ET 1 Comment

“Thank God – the Phils are going to their bullpen.”

Posted by at 12:18 pm ET 3 Comments

Phillies (27-23) @ Houston (28-22), 7:05 PM ET

Brett Myers (RHP, 2-5, 5.76)

  • Has lost significant speed on his fastball, which to save face he now calls “the fastest fucking change-up you’ve ever seen.”
  • Despite his status as the team’s “ace,” Myers is winless since a victory over Houston on April 17. Five-game winner Cole Hamels, with his lean and hungry look, plots to usurp him.
  • Has surrendered an average of 1 earned run per inning over his last three starts. You’re not supposed to do things like that if you want to win.
  • May or may not know how to spell “retard.”
  • Brian Moehler (RHP, 1-1, 4.76)

  • Began the season as a middle reliever. Moehler is filling in for Wandy Rodriguez, who is set to return soon from the DL. As a substitute, he has had to endure numerous spitballs and tacks left on his seat in the dugout by teammates.
  • First of three starts this year was on the road against the Dodgers on May 9 (W, 5IP, 0ER).
  • Has not pitched more than five innings as a starter. Then again, neither have I.
  • Facial hair does not resemble a dead rat. According to Myers, this may prove his undoing.
    Posted by at 5:33 pm ET 3 Comments

    ATLANTA, GA – The Center for Disease Control, in cooperation with such cancer research organizations such as Sloan-Kettering Memorial and the Ludwig Institute, has announced their decision to divert immediately all funds and resources available into finding a cure for Mets relief pitcher Billy Wagner.

    “This is an issue we’ve put on hold for too long,” said Dr. Linus Oberlin, director of research for the CDC. “Since 2003, possibly earlier, various strains of Billy Wagner have been infecting and destroying locker rooms from Houston to New York City. It’s only just now that the public has finally been able to see the devastation on a grand scale.”

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    Posted by at 9:13 pm ET 1 Comment

    Dear Chamomiles,

    What did you mean when you wrote, “If Adam Eaton sucked any worse, he’d be Brett Myers?”

    –Confused in Pennsauken

    Dear Confused,

    I was merely stating that Adam Eaton is a better pitcher than Brett Myers. It was meant to be a compliment. Next time try not to take things so literally.

    Dear Chamomiles,

    What does VORP mean?

    –Baseball Newbie

    Dear Newbie,

    VORP means little to anyone who’s already lost their virginity. Hope that helps!

    Read more »

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