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Posted by at 10:00 am ET 7 Comments


Jennifer and Chase Utley are passionately devoted to the cause of animal welfare. We here at The Fightins’, who believe causes are for people with money and lots of free time, wondered just how deep the Utleys’ devotion really goes.

The following exchange was recorded two days ago, using a high-powered microphone with a range of 200 feet. The restraining order stated 150 feet, so Clare had no problem capturing the sound.

[Chase pulls up to the driveway, enters Utley Manor]

Chase: Jen! Sweetie! I’m home!

Jen: Hi, honey! I’m in the kitchen giving Mr. Snuggles a bath. How’d it go tonight?

Chase: Eh, not so great. We fell apart in the late innings, and I got plunked again. I’m gonna go get an ice pack and — AHH! What the fuck was that?

Jen: What was what, honey?

C: It looks like a little ferret just ran across the floor! Jesus!

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Posted by at 10:45 pm ET 8 Comments


  • Adam Eaton did not accept demotion to the Phillies’ triple-A affiliate in Lehigh Valley. He did, however, agree to accept reassignment to their single-A affiliate in Lakewood.
  • The Phillies did not sweep the St. Louis Cardinals at Busch Stadium, as recently reported. They won 2 of 3 games.
  • Terry Francona is the current manager of the Boston Red Sox. He is not “a palsied bastard who molests circus freaks.” The author admits he wrote portions of this statement while drunk and bitter.
  • Brett Myers chin-beard does not resemble a rat. It looks more like a fetal marmot.
  • Bo Diaz, former catcher for the Phillies, died of injuries he sustained from falling off a roof. He was not eaten by a grizzly bear.
  • Phillies manager Charlie Manuel was never referred to as “Hillbilly-zilla” during his years playing professional baseball in Japan. His stature, while tall by comparison to the average height of most Japanese men, was not such that a monster-related nickname would be considered appropriate.
  • Anna Benson’s tits are not “ginormous.” They are merely bodacious.

We at The Fightins’ regret these and all future errors.

Posted by at 10:04 am ET 8 Comments

The Phillies were in danger of squandering a 5-2 lead they’d built in the eight inning, thanks to 4 runs scored off the Cardinals’ bullpen. Pujols was on deck. The bases were loaded, after a Brad Lidge inside pitch plunked Cesar Izturis on the arm.

Lidge had already surrendered three hits, including a shot off the foul pole courtesy of Troy Glaus to bring St. Louis within one run of tying the game. And I had just finished consuming a Wawa Italian hoagie with questionable lettuce content.

Add up all the factors, and you get this happening in Chamomiles Davis’ lower abdomen:


Then Lidge strikes out Stavrinoha and Mather (neither of whom had ever faced him) to end the game, so no need for panic. B-Lid remains perfect in save opportunities and the Phillies took 2 of 3 from the Cardinals in St. Louis. But still I had a brief flashback to that 2005 NLCS game, when this happened:


You know it better, thanks to the national media, as The Home Run That Is Supposed To Have Shattered Brad Lidge’s Confidence Forever And Ever And Ever Amen. By the way, Pujols went 0-10 in this series. Whose confidence is shattered now, I wonder?

Busy Lidge Hangs On For Save Against Cardinals [Paul Hagen, Philadelphia Daily News]

Posted by at 1:26 pm ET 6 Comments


Pack your bags, kid, you’re moving up! To Lehigh Valley, that is. The Inquirer’s Jim Salisbury reports that right-hander Carrasco has been promoted to the triple-AAA* IronPigs. He will be taking the spot in Lehigh Valley’s rotation formerly occupied by Les “I Am The” Walrond (goo goo g’joob), who was called up to fill in for Rudy Seanez. Seanez is currently on the DL after his Thursday night collision with the Nationals’ Lastings Milledge.

Assistant general manager Mike Arbuckle said the organization had been considering promoting Carrasco anyway.

“We feel he’s ready,” Arbuckle said. “We want to see how he handles the challenge.”

Carrasco is rated as the Phillies’ No. 1 prospect by Baseball America. He was 7-7 with a 4.32 ERA in 20 games (19 starts) at double-A Reading.

Carrasco, whom many thought would become trade bait in one of several different deadline scenarios, is projected to be a #3 starter in the major-league rotation when he gets called up to The Show. Adam Eaton, weeping quietly in a dark corner of the IronPigs’ locker room, could not be reached for comment.

(*Yes, that’s right: Triple-AAA. The IronPigs are an AAAAAAAAA team, and I am an idiot. Thank you.)

Posted by at 10:18 am ET 3 Comments

From the great Jayson Stark’s “Rumblings & Grumblings” column:

…But that doesn’t mean the Rangers don’t have some interesting pieces on their shelves. Step right up and make an offer for Vicente Padilla, Kevin Millwood, Hank Blalock, Marlon Byrd, Frank Catalanotto or Gerald Laird.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2004 Philadelphia Phillies 2008 Texas Rangers!

(*In all fairness, Padilla is 12-5 this year. That’s far from mediocre.)

Posted by at 4:23 pm ET 9 Comments

Yesterday the Phillies hosted the 2008 ALS Benefit at Citizens Bank Park. Members of the team and broadcast crew were on hand to greet the fans and sign autographs.

Being a class act, Mr. Meech brought his family and took pictures of this noble and worthwhile charity event. Being a complete son of a bitch, I took some of Meech’s photos and sullied them with captions.

More (untainted) pics from Meech are on their way later. In the meantime, enjoy!



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Posted by at 9:35 am ET 4 Comments


Hi. Pat “the Bat” here.

There is nothing worse than getting pulled out early. You know you still have so much left to give and now it’s all blocked up. When you’re pulled out early you might feel tense and irritable. I know I do. When that happens, there’s nothing you can do but head straight to the showers and force your mind to think about something else besides the game.

You see, I’m used to leaving the ballpark exhausted but satisfied, knowing that I’ve left everything I had inside me all over the field. Sometimes a little of it even gets on the fans, especially if I’ve just sprayed a frozen rope straight up into their seats.

You should see the look of ecstasy on their faces. They’re so grateful for my deposit. And who can blame them? You like being the recipient of a Pat the Bat blast over your heads, don’t you? Yeah, that’s right.

But getting yanked before I’ve finished the job does not make this old Hurricane happy! I like going deep into extra innings. I mean real deep. It shows I’ve got stamina. I’m not just some “wham-bam, nine innings ma’am” kind of jock.

Don’t tell this to the skipper, but sometimes I’ll deliberately bobble an easy pop fly, or dog it while chasing a ball into the corner, just so I can have one more chance at the plate to send a long one your way.

It’s all for you, baby. Let’s keep that our little secret, OK?

Posted by at 10:07 am ET 3 Comments

Count me among those who remain skeptical about the Joe Blanton trade. Yes, we got someone who can eat up innings (and can’t possibly stink any worse than Adam Eaton right now), and we didn’t lose anyone we couldn’t afford to lose in the deal. Blanton’s 2008 salary is also four times less than A.J. Burnett’s, so that doesn’t hurt, either.

One has to wonder if perhaps Pat Gillick acted too quickly in order to get someone, anyone into the Phils’ starting rotation before the trade deadline. After Sabathia and Harden were taken off the market, there really wasn’t much left to choose from, and change for its own sake isn’t always a good idea.

happ.pngNo use arguing the point now, I guess. Blanton’s our starter and just about any move that sends Eaton to the bullpen is a good one. Still, I think J.A. Happ deserved a chance to show what he can do as a #4 or #5 starter.

He was good — not great, but good — in his two big-league starts, pitching 11 innings with eight strikeouts and a cumulative 3.27 ERA. (He also walked eight and finished with a WHIP of 1.45.)

In his minor-league start for the IronPigs last night, Happ struck out 12 batters in a seven-inning shutout victory over the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees. Once you’ve been up to “the show,” once you’ve seen the bright lights of the big city, it’s tough going back to the farm (system).

My hope is that we’ll see Happ on the mound at Citizen’s Bank Park before the end of this season, and definitely by the beginning of next season.

(Our homies over at The 700 Level have more to say about this latest development.)

Posted by at 9:34 am ET 19 Comments

In the last 48 hours…

  • Chutley gets booed at the Home Run Derby, then politely informs the crowd of his displeasure.
  • Corey Hart, who beat Pat Burrell in voting for the final National League All-Star spot, went 0-for-3.
  • Former Phillies reliever Billy Wagner blows the National League’s lead. (Shocking!)
  • Current Phillies reliever Brad Lidge gets tagged for the loss.
  • J.D.F. Drew wins the MVP award.

Now let us never again speak of this All-Star break.

(Hey, did you know Josh Hamilton used to be on drugs? Thanks to Fox Sports and ESPN drilling that fact into my head, I won’t forget for the rest of my life. Along with “Jerome Bettis is from Detroit,” these may be the only two things I remember once the dementia kicks in.)

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Posted by at 10:42 am ET 9 Comments


By now I’m sure you’re familiar with (and somewhat sick of) the media kerfuffle in the wake of Chase Utley’s live and profane response to the — let’s be honest, fucking douchebags — who booed him during his introduction at the Home Run Derby last night.

One can only imagine the reception he’ll get when he steps up to bat during the All-Star Game tonight. You stay classy, New York.

This story has been covered from every possible angle (just like your mom — sorry, that was too easy). For all you could ever need or want to know about this non-issue, I defer to those always-on-the-ball gentlemen over at The 700 Level (except for that slacker whatshisface… Camouflage Davis or some asshole name like that).

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